Judging by the tone of our current political climate, one would rightly assume that the results of the impending November elections might tear apart the very fabric of our society - especially the fabric of our society used in manufacturing jingoistic American flag T-shirts and vaguely racist bumper stickers.
Thankfully, I have decided to step into the fray and give voters a handy guide to understanding the 2010 fall elections in Florida.
This election promises to be even more unpredictable and flamboyant than normal, and nobody destroys normalcy with more vibrant Technicolor insanity than Florida. Virtually every big political office is up for grabs in the Sunshine State, a scenario that historically manages to scare up millions of dollars squirreled away by native parasites like developers and drug dealers to buy everything from television and radio ads to voodoo ceremonies.
However, an added bonus in our preternaturally slimy election season has been the twin candidacies of two insanely rich men who desperately want to hold higher office in our state. Their combined ability to spend money on terribly mean advertisements (which, of course, makes them overly qualified to govern) has led me to believe that the next televised debate will include at least one bat fight and/or knife wound.
One of the aforementioned rich guys is Rick Scott, a man running for the Republican nomination for governor by running a campaign that attempts to prove he is among the more vile human beings on the planet. Scott proved his mettle as a CEO by engineering so much corrupt and immoral behavior that his health care company earned the biggest federal fine in history. This being Florida, he will win handily.
The other rich guy is actually much more wealthy and mysterious - almost like Batman, if Batman concentrated mainly on hookers and blow. Jeff Greene decided to run as a Democrat for the open Senate seat from Florida sometime after a prolonged Caribbean excursion on his yacht that managed to plow through a coral reef off the coast of Belize and make a highly illegal stop in Cuba to replenish the boat's supplies of rum and whores. His only real link to the Democratic Party is the fact that Mike Tyson was in his wedding.
Greene is running against Kendrick Meek to win the Democratic nomination for senator, and so far Greene has been successfully using his billions to bash Meek on the head and shoulders with negative ads. Whoever wins, though, will have to face a formidable duo in the general election as Charlie Crist and Marco Rubio have both made it onto the November ballot.
Crist split off from Florida Republicans earlier this year after it became clear that Marco Rubio had successfully wooed the intolerant and reactionary wing of the Republican Party. Unshackled by party allegiances and mixing Peter Pan with Tea Party ideals, Crist flitted about like a pixie governor and generally agitated the power structure of the Legislature. Beholden to no lobbyists or special interests outside of Tinkerbell and the Fairy Dust lobby, Crist looks like a formidable opponent - well, as formidable as one can look in a pair of green tights.
My advice, as always, is to vote early and vote often.
Tommy Maple is an international communications graduate student.
