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Thursday, May 23, 2024

Dear Jared,

Recently, one of my roommates has been seeing someone who, quite frankly, scares the shit out of my other roommate and me. He comes in at odd hours, has the creepy slasher-movie vocals and a Columbine stare. I’m contacting you because they have sex so loud the walls shake like we’re in a war zone. The moans that come from that end of the hall can only be described as the kind Charles Manson must have had during his orgies. I’d talk to her about it directly, but she tells him everything.

What do I do if my roommate has a psycho friend with benefits?


Not Wanting to be the Chick from “Psycho”


Columbine glare aside, it sounds like your roommate is having a bang-up good time. Walls shaking? War zone-style foxholes? All that’s missing is a couple of Geneva Convention violations, and we’ve got ourselves a party.

I’m sensing, though, your reasons for writing a letter might not be out of jealousy of their Operation Panty Freedom that you’re missing out on but rather genuine concern this Hitchcock creep with a flair for wall-shattering screams might unleash some serious Sharon Tate action on your ass.

And having that awkward headboard-rocking, squealing in ecstasy, ass-smacking mantra night after night when you’re just trying to study pre-calc in the living room can be a tad irritating.

This might be something your roommate and you have to combine forces and risk Manson-esque stab wounds to confront your roommate. No one likes the awkward ass smacks anyway. 

Have a question for our resident sexpert? E-mail Jared at Your name will not appear in print or online.

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