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Tuesday, May 21, 2024

Dear Jared,

I’m a female who constantly gets wet for most of the day. I’m always thinking of sex, yet I don’t get any. I need some feedback.


Wet ‘n’ wild

Before we begin, I need to express my gratitude you didn’t start out with, “I’m a male who gets wet for most of the day.” I don’t know if I even have the strength for that.

Secondly, I need to understand some basic hydrology and flow-per-capita rates. Are we dealing with an Amazon River Basin situation or more of a Leaky Faucet Syndrome? Because the difference between the two could spell out a bountiful harvest or oversaturated, destroyed crops. And the bounty between your loins is something we can’t risk leaving in the fields like Plant City strawberries.

And really, most of the day? Are you wearing diapers? Are you considering it?

I’m sans vagina, but I can imagine the discomfort and awkwardness this is probably causing you as you inevitably have to pretend you’re wearing your still-damp-from-that-awesome-swim-you-just-took bikini bottom under your jeans.

Diagnosing damp down-below regions isn’t my forte. But as for your concern about thinking about sex all the time and not getting any? Honey, welcome inside the minds of nearly everyone you meet.

Do you really think I’m fixating 100 percent of my attention on a professor’s drone about GDP when the surfer-cut-sporting hottie reading Orwell next to me in class flashes me a grin that practically says, “Kiss me, I’m easy”?

I can almost guarantee most of your classmates share this sentiment.

And one last concern before we part ways: Do certain things get you all hot and bothered? Because we might also want to look into that if your stockings become a sauna for brick buildings and wheat germ. Irish accents, lip rings and V-necks, on the other hand, are totally acceptable in the turn-on department.

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I imagine once you visit a health care provider to scope out your womanhood, you’ll be more confident in your abilities. And confidence is the key to the doorway that is The Deed.

In the meantime, we heard Bed Bath & Beyond sells waterproof sheets. 

Have a question for our resident sexpert? Send Jared an e-mail at Your name will not appear in print or online.

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