With all the utter stupidity and assclown-ity that has been allowed to run rampant in this town and university, let alone this country, it's incredibly easy to become jaded toward the Big Guy Upstairs. He's probably not that enthused either when he has to explain to other celestial beings that yes - He has to take credit for all his children, including the deadbeat ones who use emoticons in their everyday speech, wear Ed Hardy and actually think George Lopez is funny.
But then comes along Pastor Joe Nelms, who completely rejuvenates our faith.
In one of the most Amurrican (Editor's note: Yes, that's how you spell it; if you don't like it, I'm sure North Korea would be happy to have you) displays of patriotism since Kenny Powers made his debut with the Charros. Nelms, a Baptist preacher from Tennessee, gave an opening prayer before a recent NASCAR race that would make an 8-pound-6-ounce baby Jesus wave his mullet in delight. He praised the Lord for his "smokin' hot wife," (blessed are those who believe without seeing - one Google search will tell you she's not fire and brimstone, aesthetically) peppered his benediction with a few product nods to Dodge and Toyota and, to make it a real holy trinity, closed with a "in Jesus' name, boogity, boogity, boogity, Amen."
Screw Billy Graham, Joel Osteen, Rick Warren or whatever preacher is telling Rep. Michele Bachmann that Jesus rode into Jerusalem on the back of a velociraptor to Lee Greenwood's "God Bless the U.S.A. (I'm Proud to Be an American)." We want this guy, come January 2013, to give the presidential invocation. One invocation from this and nobody will be asking President Barack Obama, Mitt Romney or (insert favorite ice cream flavor) what God he or she worships.
Heck, SummerSlam is right around the corner; let's get him in the squared circle. His opponent would need to be someone well-known with a ridiculous mustache and a hard-on for media masturbation. If only Gainesville had such a pastor...
