Congratulations, Gator Nation, you truly earned this one.
It took many cut-off sleeves, man tanks, toolish pick-up lines and a whole lot of Tebow-fapping, but the UF student body finally pulled through, locking up a 10 spot on GQ's coveted top douchiest colleges list. And you were actually afraid your UF degree was losing value. In the words of the American icon Chad Ochocinco: "Child, please."
While it may be in your douche DNA to believe that you, the god/goddess of awesome who this very planet is lucky to have grace its substandard soil, pulled off this epic win by yourself, you had some help along the way (to be fair, you did do most of the heavy lifting with all those scooter rides through campus and those ethanol-soaked performances of Billy Joel's "Piano Man" at midtown.)
First, we'd like to thank the many men and women in UF administration who have pumped the Orange and Douche faithful with the message that they are unique snowflakes and better than everyone else because they were able, in their previous lives, to sidestep a standardized test and outsmart a state education system that is a few notches above Bosnia. Well played, Mauer.
We also need to tip the cap to the countless entourages of bros and hos who told you that yes, it was OK to wear a bubblegum pink polo shirt with yellow shorts out in public and that yes, the girl lying face down at the bar in a pool of cosmo and vomit wants to be introduced to "Monty Python." Hey, if it worked for a Super Bowl winning quarterback, why can't it work for you?
Lastly, but most importantly, we'd like to thank all of those out there who, no matter how painful or soul-crushing it may have been to do so, remained silent and did nothing to point to our herd of hot shit that their behavior was strikingly similar to a woman's personal turkey baster.
Make no mistake: This was a team win.
