Ah, yes. It’s that time of year again.
You know, the time when the leaves begin to turn (at least up north), jack-o’-lanterns fill the streets and thousands upon thousands of Florida and Georgia students flock to Jacksonville for the World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party and some football game that supposedly takes place.
While we here at the alligatorSports Brand Picks Column don’t condone binge drinking — or wearing jorts, for that matter — after a weekend of not having to work, we long for the chance to kick back, enjoy some hard drinks and watch some football at the Landing.
So while we will be enjoying this weekend’s game from the sober confines of the press box, we let two of our columnists who are drunk with differing rage over the Suck for Luck phenomenon debate one of this weekend’s marquee matchups.
Stanford (-7.5) will help Andrew Luck continue his quest to become a Miami Dolphin because ...
Speaking of consuming copious amounts of alcohol, Luck isn’t trying to mess up his stake as the top pick in next season’s NFL Draft, when he will be packing up his life and taking his talents to South Beach.
Luck and the Cardinal have been on a tear this year, and that won’t change against some Hollywood team down the road on Interstate 5. Luck has been methodical this season, even calling his own plays at times. And Stanford seems like the one non-SEC team that can match the physicality of LSU or Bama. Did I mention Luck calls his own plays?
The future Hall of Fame quarterback is going to keep up his glorious campaign, kinda like the Dolphins are going to stay strong in their own campaign. Suck for Luck, baby!
— TOM GREEN
USC (+7.5) will show that Luck isn’t the only quarterback who’s for real because…
Matt Barkley is here to comfort all the believers.
Luck may be the best quarterback in college football, but no man is a lock to succeed in the NFL. And, by the same token, no one is good enough to win a game on his own.
All Stanford has done this season is beat teams it was supposed to beat. The Cardinal hasn’t played anyone nearly as good as USC, nor has it played in an environment anything like the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum.
Barkley has all the talent in the world, and will be a fine consolation prize when my beloved ‘Phins finish 4-12, leaving the Rams and Colts to battle it out for that coveted No. 1 spot.
Plus, with Robert Woods making plays at wideout, the Trojans have the more potent passing game in the here and now, regardless of Luck’s “Hall of Fame” future.
Fight on, USC!
— GREG LUCA
Now, on to the picks!
In first place with a 40-23 record is the Associated Press’ Mark “What’s this button do, cutie?” Long, who feigned interest in a rival service’s latest media equipment for a chance to flirt with some college girls. Time to grow up and give up on your dreams, old man.
In second with a 36-27 record is alligatorSports writer Greg “I seriously hate Jeff Foxworthy” Luca, whose disdain for those with maroon-colored collars continued this week when he said, if given the choice, he’d rather eliminate all “hicks” than fix the flawed U.S. government. This is why we can’t have nice things, Greg.
Leading a tie for third with a 35-28 record is alligatorSports writer Tyler “16 is the new 18” Jett, whose questioning about a certain coworker’s younger sister not only raised flags in the office, but may have landed Tyler on some FBI watch-lists. Please come in, Tyler, Chris Hansen would like you to have a seat over there.
Knotted with Tyler is alligatorSports assistant editor Matt “The world’s second-largest outdoor cocktail party” Watts, who skipped work Monday to go to Jacksonville and watch his Jaguars. Upon waking from his drunken stupor, Watts whined that the game didn’t get enough play on SportsCenter. Sorry the Jags’ rise from “sucktastic” to “pretty damn bad” isn’t more important than the World Series, bud.
Making a climb from the cellar and now in fifth with a 34-29 record is the Jacksonville Times-Union’s Mike “I’m still just one of the guys” DiRocco, who tried to keep his jump to ESPN’s evil empire a secret. Mike really hated covering Florida, so he decided the best course of action was to do it more often and for a bigger organization. And, yes, Mike, the rest of us do resent you for it.
Tied with Mike is FightinGators.com’s Cody “What’s in a name?” Jones, who is hell-bent on bestowing his first child (assuming someone is down to procreate with him) with the, um, unique name “Smoltzy.” Really, Cody? Long live the underachieving 90s-era Braves!
Dropping to seventh with a 32-31 record is InsideTheGators.com’s Kyle “Let’s all hold hands” Maistri, who believes in a utopian society where money doesn’t exist and iPads are passed out like Halloween candy. Put down the peace pipe, Kyle.
And yet again in dead-ass last place with a piss-poor 31-32 record is alligatorSports editor Tom “Teacups and Turkey Legs” Green, whose wild ride on the bye week was piloted by none other than Mr. Toad. Word is Tom met up with his Snow White while touring the Magic Kingdom with his family, only she didn’t awake from his kiss; she vomited.
