In case you live under a rock, it's Homecoming weekend here in Gainesville. Due to this important, historical event that happens once a year, classes, for the most part, have been canceled.
If you're reading this while waiting for your Friday class, proceed to roll up the paper and hit yourself on the head. Feel better?
But we're not going to cancel our Friday tradition because there's gonna be a parade, a concert by a 90s band, a comedian who's famous for hosting "The Soup" and, oh yeah, a football game or something. It's time for our three-day-weekend-of-insanity edition of...
Darts & Laurels
As usual, we start off by throwing a maybe-if-you-spent-less-time-developing-catch-phrases-you-could-read-up-on-some-history DART to presidential candidate Herman Cain for claiming that China was "trying to develop nuclear capability." Apparently Cain thinks it's still the 1960s.
Next, we reluctantly, but necessarily have to throw a hope-you-signed-a-prenup LAUREL to Kris Humphries for getting the heck away from those crazy Kardashian women while he still has some shred of dignity. If you haven't noticed, Bruce Jenner (their stepfather) looks like he's slowly turning into a woman.
For our second highlight of shame, we throw a what-goes-around-comes-around DART to Texas judge William Adams. His daughter, Hillary Adams, recently posted a video from 2004 allegedly showing the judge lashing her with a belt, threatening to "beat her into submission."
He should definitely not be deciding punishments for people who come into his courtroom.
As something that should make everyone feel a little more relieved, we give a crazy-how-quickly-the-market-responded LAUREL to banks for deciding to cancel controversial debit card fees after customers threatened to move their accounts elsewhere.
The 1 percent aren't all that bad, are they?
The recipient of our final "shake of the head" showed absolute stupidity and poor judgment.
That's why we toss a show-me-your-papers DART to the NYPD for locking a college student in jail for two days because she didn't have her ID on her. Samantha Zucker decided to take a stroll into Riverside Park after it had closed, unbeknownst to her. The officer could have just given her a warning for trespassing but because she failed to have her ID on her, he decided that jail time was an appropriate consequence.
Finally, we give a good-taste-in-music LAUREL to Detroit Lions fans for petitioning to get rid of Nickelback from their Thanksgiving game's halftime show.
As one fan so aptly put it: "Does anyone even like Nickelback?"
Have a fun and safe Homecoming weekend, and be sure to check back next week.
