We here at the alligatorSports Brand Picks Column love nothing more than fine films.
“Citizen Kane?” Rosy. Want to watch “Casablanca?” We could start a beautiful friendship. “The Wizard of Oz?” There’s no place like the couch, with some popcorn and that VCR you’ve had stuffed in the attic all these years.
That’s why we’re so disappointed that there’s a new edition of this “Twilight” thing coming out today. Seriously, what is this garbage?
Vampires? Werewolves? There’s a love story involved? We don’t get it.
Back in our day, werewolves were only good for ripping people’s faces off, and vampires kept to themselves unless it was nighttime and they were hungry.
With that in mind, we let two of our writers debate a game between two teams that have been keeping it real since way back in the 1800s: Vanderbilt and Tennessee.
The Commodores (-1.5) will taste Volunteer blood because…
Unlike werewolves and fairies, this Vanderbilt team is for real.
Quarterback Jordan Rodgers is as good as they come, and he’s going to strangle Tennessee with his brother Aaron’s championship belt.
In the six games since becoming Vandy’s go-to guy, he has thrown for 1,081 yards and run for another 313.
The Commodores were a national power in the early 1900s before completely falling off the map. But now, just like our vampire friends, they’re back from the dead in a major way.
This time, it’s for good.
— GREG LUCA
Tennessee (+1.5) will go Team Jacob on Vanderbilt because …
This game is taking place after dawn. The moon will be out, allowing the Volunteers to transform into another animal. Plus, quarterback Tyler Bray is back.
Bray’s return will give the Tennessee attack sharp teeth, something it has needed since the sophomore suffered a broken thumb against Georgia on Oct. 8. In five games with Bray, the Volunteers scored 163 points. They have scored 47 points in five games without him.
But Bray looks to be back, baby, and Tennessee is ready to unleash its inner beast. Expect coach Derek Dooley to let out a victorious howl at the end of this one.
— TYLER JETT
Now, on to the picks!
In first with a 52-34 mark is the Associated Press’ Mark “If I beat them, they’ll accept me” Long, who is taking this picks column WAY too seriously, demanding updated standings every Monday morning. Stop trying so hard to fit in with the college kids, Mark. Just be yourself. We’ll never like you anyway.
Closing the gap in second with a 49-36 record is alligatorSports writer Greg “Your fingers make my head look pretty” Luca, who needs just one thing to style his hair: another man’s hands. Greg abandoned his tried-and-true bowl cut for Bama Bangs this week, but he doesn’t know how to manipulate his mane without a little bro-aid help. He would use a mirror, if they weren’t backwards and all.
In third at 47-39 is alligatorSports assistant editor Matt “In my day, we read these things called books” Watts, who showed his age when talking about how he wrote research papers back in grade school. Apparently, he used an encyclopedia, which you can make by printing every page of Wikipedia and binding them together. Talk about useless.
Sliding up into fourth at 44-42 is alligatorSports writer Tyler “All food shall be fried and served with pickles” Jett, whose life as a Chick-Fil-A missionary means a backpack filled with chargrilled sandwiches and pockets stuffed with honey mustard packets. Tyler is so devout that he fasts every Sunday — but that’s only because brother Truett Cathy won’t unlock his restaurant.
Tied with Tyler is FightinGators.com’s Cody “It stopped becoming a study group; it became something unstoppable” Jones, who has started an online petition to save the NBC cult hit “Community.” This plan is going to be Brittad. If you don’t get that joke, we’re saying it will be as successful as that time Donald Glover and Chevy Chase lived together. If don’t get that joke, God help you.
In sixth at an even 43-43 is ESPN’s Mike “It’s like dealing with your in-laws: Sometimes you just have to shut up and eat Thanksgiving dinner and drink a little more than usual” DiRocco, who handed out that life advice to a younger writer this week. We don’t know the context, but that’s not important. Season’s greetings, from the D-Rock family!
Holding strong in seventh at 42-44 is InsideTheGators.com’s Kyle “I’m not scared of these bitches” Maistri, who ripped off his T-shirt, Hulk Hogan style, and told fellow writers he was ready to punch a football player in the face after a frustrating interview. UF athletes, if you see a 5-foot-8 white kid in cargo shorts approaching, watch out. He might stab you with the pointy end of his glasses.
And in dead-ass last place with a piss-poor record of 39-47 is alligatorSports editor Tom “I have a hole in my heart shaped like Jerry West’s silhouette” Green, who has not handled the NBA lockout well. To cope, Tom is blasting hip-hop at inappropriate times, refusing to defend his points and letting Lil’ Wayne sit courtside at Alligator staff meetings.
