For the Lolz is a humor blog. It's a sarcastic take on the world around us. Please read the posts in this section with a light heart and eager smile.
10. Rosie Ruiz — 1980 Boston Marathon "winner"
In the spring of 1980, Rosie Ruiz literally came out of nowhere to win the Boston Marathon with a record time of 2:31:56. This was a 25 minute improvement over the time Ruiz had recorded six months earlier in the New York Marathon. On top of that, when Ruiz crossed the finish line, she had barely broken a sweat and wasn't anywhere near out of breath. When Ruiz was questioned about her lack of fatigue after the race, she gave a very convincing response of, "I woke up with a lot of energy this morning." Even though no one could recall seeing the flabby thighed woman at any of the main checkpoints, it wasn't until days after the race when reports of Ruiz being seen on the Subway had been confirmed that her victory was officially taken away. Although there are many that despise Rosie Ruiz for her blatant act of cheating, I just can't help but respect her for attempting one of the ballsiest moves in sports history.
9. Bobby Valentine — Master of disguise
Photo courtesy of sportsillustrated.cnn.com
After being ejected in the 12th inning of a game against the Toronto Blue Jays, Valentine (manager of the New York Mets at the time) snuck back into the Mets' dugout disguised with a fake mustache and sunglasses. As punishment, the MLB fined Valentine $5,000 and suspended him for three games. Nice try, Bobby. At least Rosie had the good sense to cheat in a sport where she wasn't being videotaped.
8. Bill Clements — Pay for play
Most people learn at a young age to stop doing something once they are caught, Bill Clements just isn't most people. From 1983 to 1986, Clements was the chairman of Southern Methodist University's board of governors. During this time, the NCAA was investigating the SMU football team for an under the table fund that was used to make cash payments to players for their performance. After telling the NCAA that he was "cleaning up the program," it was confirmed that Clements continued to approve the distribution of cash payments to players even as the program was being sanctioned for such activity. Consequently, the SMU football team was given the "death penalty" and has been a terrible team ever since.
7. Sammy Sosa — No habla ingles
Although he had been in the U.S. for 20 years and done countless interviews, when Sammy Sosa was called to testify before Congress, he claimed that he was unable to speak English and had his lawyer testify on his behalf. To be fair, Sammy does have a history of not being able to identify reality.
6. Heinrich Ratjen — The cross-dressing Olympian
Photo courtesy of wikipedia.org
In the 1936 Olympics, a young German named Dora Ratjen finished fourth in the high jump. Two years after the Olympics, it would be discovered that Dora Ratjen's real name was in fact Heinrich Ratjen and that Dora Ratjen's real genitalia were in fact male. Originally, the Germans were supposed to be represented by Gretel Bergmann, a Jewish girl that had a good chance of winning the gold medal. However, at this time the Nazi party had full power of Germany and was already establishing several concentration camps. Wanting to use the Olympics to display Aryan strength, the Nazi party removed Gretel from the Olympic team and instead replaced her with Dora Ratjen, knowing that "she" was in fact a "he."
5. Wilt Chamberlain — The legendary scorer
In addition to being one of the most prolific scorers in the history of the NBA and scoring more than 100 points in one game, Wilt Chamberlain also authored four books. In his 1991 book, "A View From Above," Chamberlain claimed that he slept with 20,000 women. According to Chamberlain at the time of his writing, this equated to sleeping with 1.2 different women each day since he turned 15. That's assuming that he never slept with the same woman twice. Sure, he was well known for his ability to put the rock in the hole, but did he really sleep with 20,000 different women? The answer is sadly no, Chamberlain would later reveal that this was an exaggeration. In addition, he would clarify his feelings on romance with this comment:
"Having a thousand different ladies is pretty cool...I've [also] found out that having one woman a thousand different times is more satisfying."
See, NBA players can be good role models...once they've been given eight years to think about their statements.
4. Pete Rose — A legacy gambled away
Pete Rose is statistically one of the best baseball players of all time. However, he will likely never make it into the Hall of Fame because of his gambling record. In 1989, Rose agreed to a permanent ineligibility from baseball after accusations that he had gambled on baseball games while playing for and managing the Cincinnati Reds. After denying these accusations for 15 years, Rose finally came clean in 2004 and admitted to betting on, but never against, the Reds. What is most impressive about this lie is that Rose denied allegations for 15 years, essentially paving the bike path for Lance Armstrong to follow suit in trying to keep a lie alive forever.
3. Lance Armstrong — The lie-strong saga
After beating cancer, Lance Armstrong renewed his cycling career and went on to win the Tour de France seven consecutive times. In Armstrong's words, "It was the perfect story." This was until the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency tattled on Armstrong by releasing more than 1,000 pages in evidence detailing Armstrong's guilt. Armstrong initially denied the claims made by this report, only to admit his guilt to Oprah one year later. Armstrong's ability to keep doubters at bay, despite being accused of doping for several years is what's really amazing about this lie. My guess as to why this lie lasted so long is that people don't want to believe that cancer survivors can do bad things. That's why everyone should watch "Breaking Bad."
2. O.J. Simpson — The lucky one
Infamously known for the trial of murdering his wife, O.J. Simpson's a legend in sports history. Simpson was originally supposed to turn himself in to be arrested. However, he missed the deadline and when the cops found him they chased him in what became a nationally televised low-speed (35 mph) car chase. After over an hour of being pursued by approximately 20 cop cars, the chase ended at Simpson's house. Despite the incriminating DNA evidence, and awkward attempt to escape arrest, Simpson would be found not guilty in what was called "the trial of the century." I guess the civil rights trials and "Roe v. Wade" weren't really that big of a deal since they didn't involve professional athletes.
1. Manti Te'o — Definitely gay
Photo courtesy of buzzfeed.com
The Te'o catfish scandal is by far the strangest story I have ever seen unfold. No matter how you string together the details, it doesn't seem to make sense. But I'm going to do my best to convey to you the story that makes the most sense. A long time ago, Mantie Te'o entered into a romantic relationship with Ronaiah Tuiasosopo. However, there has never been an openly gay NFL player (people have come out only after leaving the NFL). So, in an attempt to make him seem straight and give Manti an excuse to make over 1,000 calls to Ronaiah, Manti and Ronaiah invent Lennay Kekua to be Manti's girlfriend. Next, realizing that the hoax has gone on for quite some time and that killing off his fake girlfriend would make for the perfect Heisman candidate story, Manti and Ronaiah decide to put an end to Kekua. Now that Te'o has been emotionally scarred by the death of his girlfriend, he never has to worry about getting asked about his lack of one in future years. While this may seem far-fetched, everyone's motives make a lot more sense in this scenario than they do in the one Te'o has been describing to the media.
