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Monday, October 25, 2021

Ryan Lochte is the man with his gold medals and gold abs. The gold medals are locked up in a safe, but the abs are up for grabs — almost close enough to touch.

He makes me proud to be an American and proud to be a Gator.

Ryan Lochte’s new reality TV show, “What Would Ryan Lochte Do?” will premiere on E! this month. The four-and-half minute teaser gives us a glimpse of what some of us in Gainesville may have seen, or may have missed out on if he dumped you too soon. Just kidding. It’s censored.

He’s a free-spirited athlete who loves swimming, family, fashion, drinking and women — not sure in which order.

He’s also an inventor. There’s one more word in the English language: Jeah. Be careful with the pronunciation, it’s jeeeeh-uh: emphasis on the “j” and the “e.” In August, he trademarked the phrase.

The filing shows he hopes to put the word on items such as goggles, sunglasses, jewelry and beer mugs.

I wonder if this catchphrase catches on.

Lucky Lochte frequents Gainesville bars and clubs in search of hookups and girlfriends, whichever happens first. As smooth and bro-tastic as possible, he asks female club-goers — our female classmates — on dates.

Note to Gainesville women: If you want to hook up with him or want 15 minutes of fame, straighten your hair and go out. The more you go, the more likely you’ll see him, and the more likely he’ll see you. I recommend you wear the Lochte shoes by Nike to stand out and impress him.

In the teaser, he asks a blond woman on a date. She plays hard to get by saying “maybe” and asks him to cook for her.

He says what’s on his mind. “Hell no” is he going to cook for her.

I’m pretty sure her answer was yes. She is just camera shy.

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Ryan Lochte reaffirms UF’s great party school mix with athletics.

His behavior on the show implies the UF female population is easy to woo and please. I hope he doesn’t get too caught up with the show, cause a disruption to his swimming and tarnish UF’s reputation.

To the naïve or hopeful women, Ryan Lochte admits he isn’t looking for a serious relationship. But if you’re willing to stick around while he practices for the 2016 Rio Olympics, he wants an independent girl who won’t rely on him for everything. She should always put a smile on his face and make him happy.

Note: He loves it when you compliment his smile. You’ll get free dinner. It might be at Dragonfly.

If you’re patient and can wait for his “player” phase to go away, then go ahead.

In the meantime, you can stare at him in awe bartending at Grog House Bar & Grill on a Friday night wearing a “YES IT’S ME” shirt.

He’s very humble.

Ryan Lochte can use the show as an opportunity to once and for all clear up his mom’s statement.

She admitted that her precious 28-year-old Olympian son “goes out on one-night-stands. He’s not able to give fully to a relationship because he’s always on the go.”

He’s in Gainesville, and he’s here to stay. I don’t see what the problem is.

Maybe he’s too sexy and too famous to avoid one night stands. With international fame and the love for a fellow Gator who has done great things for America and the Gator nation, how can one resist? The temptation of a college hookup is on West University Avenue, where he is seen taking shots at 101 Cantina and meeting women.

The point of the matter is, he is popular, hot, straight and enjoys time with women.

By the 2016 Olympics, the Gainesville gem will have given every Gator female a chance. It’s up to you. Are you ditching the books for one night of abs?

Raksheen Ayaz is an advertising and business junior at UF. Her column usually runs on Thursdays. You can contact her via opinions@alligator.org.

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