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Thursday, January 20, 2022

You’ve been there. You’re bored on the bus, exhausted after a long day of work or school, wanting nothing more than to self-indulge in mindless games designed for your phone that will make the trip more bearable, or at least will make that homie-frat boy blasting “Harlem Shake” less noticeable. You broke up with Candy Crush Saga because she’s a relentless monster that takes over your life, and reading on the bus makes you nauseous. You’re finger tracks the App Store. You resist, but ultimately decide to get lost in the flurry world of free apps. iPhone Apps are nothing short of diverse, but some targeted specifically for women are just creepy.

Here are some of the worst apps that are not only creepy, but also flat-out sexist, designed with women in mind.

Rack Stare

If you need to get your hands on something, why not start with a finger on a virtual woman’s boobs? This game requires no skill, but it may be the cause of great embarrassment if caught playing it in a public space. But then again, why would you play this at home – voluntarily?

The premise of the game is that you’re some dude, whose sight is guided by your finger, tasked with accumulating as much points as possible by staring at an unsuspecting woman’s chest in intervals of two minutes.

The selection of women ranges from your friendly “housewife” (but she looks more like a secretary), office manager, model and cowgirl-clad student. I don’t get it. The free version crashes when you’re dude gets caught, but not before she lets out a creepy gasp and gropes herself.

Price: Free, with chance to upgrade

College Girl

Cool, College Girl, this will totally be like me: laying in bed watching “Breaking Bad” while doing homework and making hard decisions like if I should splurge and buy myself some of that expensive Butoni pasta instead of Easy Mac. Whatever -priorities.

College Girl is nothing like me, but if I ever wanted to be a sorority girl whose main concern is power rankings and makeup, then I can live the dream via this app.

I spent way too much time dressing up my avatar like what I see walking Mid-town regularly. I couldn’t find a bow for my topknot, but, hell, I threw on a body-con and some heels. Hot.

No really, after I did that, this message showed up:

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“You look hot! Now go start your adventure as a sorority sister! Earn money and shop for hot clothes! Go to the party and look for hot frat boys!”

I immediately hit up the club. The guys were literally lined up for me. “Ryan the Frat Reject” (real name) said, “Go out with me and I’ll refill your energy 5% faster!” Hmm, Ryan, I know what that means. *Cancel*

I ultimately went with “Brad the Facebook Creeper” because he said he would increase my glam by 8. Done deal.

Apparently, you just do this until you accumulate enough points to buy yourself new clothes.

Price: Your soul, but otherwise free

K-Assistant (Kawaii Assistant)

She’s not really “Kawaii-till-I-die” material, but she is Asian, and was probably designed for guys with an Asian girl fetish. I had to investigate.

You can ask her advice, and she will respond with her blank stare, "Definitely" (subtitled, of course).

You can play Rock, Paper, Scissors with her for points, which you can then use to buy her gifts, like expensive Kimonos, so she will finally like you and stop acting like a contractually obliged secretary and more like a friend.

While she can never be Siri, you can poke her around, or blow up her skirt via microphone, and she gets pretty angry, but what is she going to do? She’s just an app, am I right?

Price: Free

Women Translator

This app thinks it knows women. It probably was the pet project of two guys, recently rejected by girls, and put on the App Store to connect with bros all around over their mutual understanding of women.

When she says:

“Be romantic, turn off the lights.”

She really means:

“I have flabby thighs” Har har har.

When she says:

“I’m very into women’s rights.”

She really means:

“I’m not getting a boob job, nose job, or wearing make up just for you.”

Price: $0.99, or free for “Lite” version

What Women Want

Do you know what women want? It’s basically the equivalent to a Facebook Quiz “Which Twilight character are you?” except you are asked a bunch of hypothetical questions, whether dating or single, and from that, the app assesses your understanding of women. None of the answers are really sexist or offensive. Some are more grounded than expected, but this app expects the user to equally balance a sugar coating and “I-don’t-care” personality towards women in order to be deemed knowledgeable on the subject.

Price: Free

While these apps kill time, they are best for just a laugh, unless you purposefully want to be embarrassed after someone looks through your phone unexpectedly. Candy Crush is looking way more appealing. 

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