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Thursday, September 28, 2023

You are lying in your hospital bed. It is a struggle to move. You look down at your battered body and you know that you are lucky to even be alive. A nurse opens the door to let you know that your parents are here to see you and they come running into your hospital room, clamoring over you and showering you with hugs and kisses.

They all have the same questions, “Are you OK?! Were you in an accident?! What happened to you?!”

All you can manage to mutter is, “Black Friday happened.”

Your sprained ankle happened right away. As you were waiting outside of the mall, the crowd of super saving mall goers seemed to multiply by the second. Right when you looked down just to make sure that your sneakers were tied and you were ready to get this rat race started, the doors opened and a petite mom stomped on your ankle trying to make her way through. Not so bad, you can still make your way through the mall, even if you have a tiny gimp.

            You barely even count your ankle as your first real injury; your swollen lip won that title. While in the Best Buy, trying to get the iPhone 5s in your favorite color -- a woman tried to reach for it right as you did. Thinking you could just grab it from her and run, you reached out your arm and in doing so she must have thought you were about to hit her, because boy did she sucker punch you right in the mouth.

            While at the DSW, you were too busy carrying two boxes of boots, three pairs of sandals, five stilettos and two pairs of wedges to see a rack of shoes in front of you. You trip…shoes go flying everywhere and unfortunately landing right on the poorly designed rack was a horrible accident. The metal bars combusted, leaving you with a broken rib. But alas, the shopping must continue.

            At Sephora, you grab the last bottle of your boyfriend’s favorite cologne. Christmas is not too far away so you figure you might as well get his gift now. Right as you grab it, a man comes running up to you, claiming that he saw the bottle first and it was his. He actually reaches into your cart and tried to grab it from you and you hold the bottle with all your might. In the feisty fiasco, he yanks at your arm so hard that he breaks your wrist, but your adrenaline is running so fast that instead of screaming in pain, you juno chop him and make a dash for the cash register.

            Finally at the Macy’s you are purchasing your very last items… you are in pain, you may have some internal bleeding, but it’s OK, you will be out of here in just a few minutes. As the clerk hands back your credit card and you think you are safe, a herd of pre-teens come running in as they were alerted that Justin Bieber’s new line of whatever is now extra double half off.

            “Was it worth it?” your mother asks.

            “The deals mom….the deals are always worth it.”

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