The last time I was single for Valentine’s Day was my freshman year of high school. Since then, I’ve been a serial girlfriend, jumping from relationship to relationship in a desperate attempt to turn my love life into a Meg Cabot novel.
But one broken heart and what’s felt like 10 years of maturation later, I’m facing the big Day of Love without a boy on my arm.
Before, no boy equated to being sad and alone. But I now know that’s not true. I have my awesome friends, my nurturing family and wine. Lots of wine.
Yeah, screw it, Valentine’s Day blows. So grab your favorite single pal, a bottle — no, case — of Trader Joe’s Two Buck Chuck, and let’s get sloshy.
1. Take a swig every time you see someone receiving a Valentine’s gram of any kind.
2. Offer a swig every time you see someone receiving a break-up gram (pioneered by a campus entrepreneur).
3. Take a swig every time a Facebook friend gets engaged. Then take another swig if their engagement was on a prairie during sunset with a professional photographer. Then take another three swigs to make up for the free wedding drinks you’ll be missing out on because you and said friend “grew apart” after high school.
4. Take a swig every time you want to leave the house but can’t out of fear of seeing more couples.
5. Take a swig every time that decision not to leave the house lands you back on a Facebook feed full of couples’ photos and candelit dinners and... jeeeeeez is that another engagement?!
At this point, you’re drunk. You’re fighting a losing battle. All you want is pizza, but the words on the Domino’s menu are blurring together, and so are the words of this column. But before you give up and turn to Netflix, remember you’re a strong independent (insert gender identity here) and you don’t need no (preferred partner’s gender identity here). And remember: I’ll be there with you in spirit, sleeping face-down in a box of pizza.
[A version of this story ran on page 8 on 2/12/2015 under the headline “"]