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Friday, April 12, 2024

'Noles and Gators now one nation


In what will probably be remembered as the single most definitive move in Florida educational history, the University of Florida and Florida State University announced today that the two schools will be merging.

The name of the new super-university is yet to be determined, but has already been cited as a major source of contention between the two concerned parties. For the sake of clarity, the Alligator will henceforth be referring to the new university as University of Florida Florida State University (UFFSU).

With many aspects of the schools’ futures up in the air, one thing is certain: the new location. The two schools will combine in the charming town of Perry, Florida, whose main attractions seem to be church-sponsored barbecues and breakfasts hosted by Christian motorcycling interest groups. Both schools’ campuses will then be converted to theme parks.

“With all these smart kids coming to town, maybe we’ll finally be able to boast a Wheel of Fortune champion!” said one Perry resident excitedly.

When reached for comment, most UF students had the same concern.

“So are we moving Balls there or what?” asked one UF junior.

Currently, there are no plans to move the entirety of Midtown to Perry, but a merger with popular Tallahasse scene “the Strip” is being considered, sources say.

With the quality of nightlife in Perry still questionable, other students were worried about academics.

“Um, don’t they know that we’re ranked the No. 1 school in the state?” asked one frazzled UF freshman. “And what on earth am I supposed to do with my #UF20 T-shirt?”

One group on campus particularly upset by the change are the UF Cicerones. One was seen pacing back and forth across Turlington and appeared to be muttering under his breath, “They expect me to just give tours without making potato and french-fry jokes? What else am I even supposed to say?”

To help ease the transition, the UF Counseling and Wellness Center is currently offering extra counseling sessions for former UF students who may suffer trauma. Causes could include prolonged exposure to the War Chant or an overdose of garnet and gold.

One major draw to the move is the combining of both of the schools’ vast resources. In fact, the merger will produce a campus that hosts a whopping eight Starbucks locations.

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“Maybe I’ll finally be able to get a freaking breakfast sandwich,” grumbled one UF biology junior stomping out of the Marston Science Library Starbucks, which had just run out — although the Alligator is currently conducting an investigation as to whether they ever had any pastries in stock at all.

UF President Fuchs and FSU President  John Thrasher both acknowledge the difficulties in forging ahead with a merger of two schools so deeply set in their rivalrous ways. However, both say they are “look(ing) forward to a bright future for higher education in Florida,” according to a release from the universities.

With such a positive outlook on the future of the brand-new University of Florida Florida State University, the presidents are sure to work together and make the university the best it can be.

The football team and coaching staff, however, could not be reached for comment on the situation.

Editor's Note: April Fools. 

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