“I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed,” your father says, sitting down at the edge of the bed. “I was young once too, y’know.” He chuckles to himself. “I remember when I read my first Darts & Laurels. I was just 17, a freshman at UF. All my friends were reading the Alligator. I figured, if I read it too, maybe I’ll fit in. Maybe I’ll be cool.” He sighs and looks back at you. “You’ll always be my child, and I love you for that alone. But please, make good choices. Keep a good head on those shoulders. I know it’s harmless, but some good people get caught up in some bad things when they read…
Darts & Laurels
Oh, dear reader, we absolutely have to talk about that debate, or rather, conversation in which Hillary Clinton tried to explain policy over The Don’s shouting. Say what you will about the debate, but the polls indicate a pretty big victory for the left. Regardless, there would be no end to the ridicule Clinton would endure if she did what Donald did and simply shouted “Wrong!” while he spoke. We lob a dart at all of Trump’s supporters who don’t understand what a double standard is.
In terms of local elections, we finally had our first Student Government election of the school year. We know a one-party system can be intimidating, and disincentivize a lot of you for participating in the electoral process. Nevertheless, a large voter turnout is essential to the functioning of a confident democracy. That said, we present a dart to the Student Body for their constant complaining at the shortcomings of Student Government but not actually going to the polls to express that frustration.
Many of you are probably so sick and tired of hearing about the kneeling-before-the-national-anthem issue. Don’t worry; we are too. Even so, we’re witnessing a spread of this protest energy across the country, from increasingly more NFL players to even high-school athletes. To those of you who feel uncomfortable with these recent events, maybe the fact that so many of the nation’s youth feel passionately enough about today’s racial divisions to take action and perform “kneel-ins” is a sign that they might just be onto something.
But, one lone hero, one not-so-caped-crusader plans to bring us all back to sanity: Pro Football Hall of Famer Mike Ditka. When a Dallas radio station asked Ditka about the Kaepernick-kneeling protests last Friday he responded, “I don’t see all the atrocities going on in this country that people say are going on.” Of course you don’t see them, Mike. You live in a multimillion-dollar, NFL-centric, upper-class world. Mike Ditka is what you chemistry majors would get if you mixed ignorance and money together in your labs. If you search for antonyms of “Black America” or “racial empathy” on thesaurus.com, you’ll get Mike Ditka. Ask Siri whether white privilege is really a thing, and she’ll tell you, “Mike Ditka.”
Take this dart, Ditka, for living under a rock, albeit a multimillion-dollar rock, and assuming you know all there is to know about racism in America. Stick to smoking your cigars 24/7. Actually, get together with Will Ferrell for a “Kicking & Screaming” sequel. And while you’re at it, get us a juice box. (Go watch the movie if you missed that reference. What are you going to do otherwise — study for midterms?)
Saturday marks the beginning of October. Somewhere in the U.S., leaves are changing colors and people are wearing sweaters because they’re actually cold. But, because we live in Satan’s a--hole, we have yet to feel those effects. We present a dart to October, for creeping up on us and leaving us with temperatures that don’t drop.
However, not all is insufferable. With the new month comes scary movie marathons (although, let’s be honest, we at the Alligator are much more excited for Disney’s holiday classics — “Halloweentown,” anyone?) We extend a laurel to the month of October for justifying our excessive candy intake and for making it just that much more acceptable to sing Christmas songs.
