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Sunday, May 26, 2024

You’re at a concert, standing with some friends in the pit. “Hello Gainesville!” shouts the lead singer to his adoring fans. You start singing along to the lyrics of their No.1 song, but something’s off. The singer’s lips are moving to the actual lyrics, but all you hear through the microphone is “Darts and Laurels, Darts and Laurels.” You look to your friend to see what’s up. But instead of your friend, it’s one of those creepy clowns. It tilts its head, looks into your soul and whispers, “What, don’t you love this song?”

Darts & Laurels

We’re grateful you picked up the paper today, dear readers. School’s canceled because of Hurricane Matthew, meaning if you’re not reading this online, you’re still on (or relatively close to) campus for some precarious reason. Hurricane Matthew is a bad motherf----- with winds reaching up to 120 mph. We throw a dart into the vicious winds of the great storm and hope it pops lots of clown balloons on its way through.

But you don’t need the hurricane to get you out of school. It seems everyone is sick these days, dear readers. Perhaps it’s the “itis” (pronounced: eye-tiss) going around. You know the itis. It’s that weird nasal drip in the back of your throat. It’s that disgusting half-sneeze-half-cough combination. It’s that annoying sniffle that you hear in the back of class over and over again. This dart is to you, human immune system, for not destroying the itis yet and, instead, just spreading it around.

By now, dear readers, you’ve probably heard the news regarding Kim Kardashian West. Early Monday morning in Paris, according to local police, armed assailants held Kim at gunpoint in her luxury residence, locked her in the bathroom and stole more than $10 million worth of jewelry. Thankfully she wasn’t physically harmed, but Kardashian West is reportedly blaming herself and feeling distraught. Say what you will about her TV show and superstar, classy lifestyle, but at the end of the day, any human being who undergoes this sort of trauma deserves support. Being famous doesn’t divorce you from pain. We at the Alligator send a laurel of love to you, Kim.

You animals who did this better watch yourselves. Kim K and Kanye are national treasures; any harm done to them is a slap in the face to America. There’s no place you can hide. In fact, start practicing your Español because once we find you, it’s straight to Guantanamo. We at the Alligator have been critical of Obama’s unchecked use of drone strikes before, but for you? We’ll make an exception. We might even launch the damn thing ourselves.

Speaking of American power couples, did any of you watch Tim Kaine and Mike Pence go at it Tuesday night? We as a country asked ourselves what could possibly be worse than the Trump vs. Clinton debate, and God said let there be veeps. That debate was so bad that from the highest seat in heaven, Harambe (may he rest in peace) shed yet another tear. Haven’t we done enough?

For real, though. Tuesday evening somehow gave this election a new low. Case in point: After Kaine’s repeated hits on Trump’s derogatory statements on women and Mexicans, Pence would come back brilliantly with, “Senator, you’ve whipped out that Mexican thing again.” Oy. First off, how characteristic of a Trump administrator to brush off racism as just a “thing.” And secondly, “whipped out that Mexican thing,” Mike Pence? C’mon, man, you’re running for the vice presidency. We give a dart to Pence for his all-around idiocy and middle-school-level comebacks. Also, another dart to Kaine, for his inability to stop interrupting Pence. We know you have a lot of feelings about this election, we all do. But being rude makes you just as bad as Trump himself.

Anyway, stay dry. Enjoy your Friday off from school. But above all, dear readers, watch out for those damn clowns. It might soon be time to talk about a wall between us and those mongrels — and make Chuck E. Cheese’s pay for it.

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