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Friday, March 31, 2023

You’re sitting in the driver’s seat of your ol’ beat-up Chevy, parked at the edge of the hill overlooking the city. He’s looking as gorgeous as ever, illuminated by the twinkling lights of the town. “The city looks beautiful from here,” you whisper to him “but not as beautiful as you.” You lean in for the kiss, and he meets you there. “I’ve never done this before,” he giggles nervously as he crawls into the back seat. “Yeah, me neither,” you whisper to yourself as you turn around and look at him. He’s smiling, waving one finger your way, silently telling you to join him. You’re about to crawl back there, but you spot a copy of the Alligator on your dashboard. “Not tonight,” you say to the guy you love, who’s been waiting a whole year for this moment. “I’ve got to read…

Darts & Laurels.”

It’s unbelievable this election cycle has barely mentioned the critical issue that is climate change. Given that 2016 continued all the catastrophic trends scientists have claimed it would, we really need to start taking this threat seriously. To ironically highlight this issue, earlier in spring, Congress approved the National Bison Legacy Act, declaring the American bison the national mammal of the U.S., and it finally became official Tuesday. We drape this laurel on you, Congress, for at least pretending you care about preserving our one good planet.

Speaking of Congress, the Republican members of the Senate have agreed they will not confirm any Supreme Court Justice nominees that are proposed by a Clinton administration. There was absolutely no precedent for the argument that President Obama wasn’t supposed to nominate a justice in an election year. In fact, it’s happened several times before. The fact that the GOP is trying to hold our Supreme Court hostage for four more years is despicable; they are directly interfering with democracy. We lob a dart at these sore-loser GOP senators who try to ruin it for everyone else when they don’t get what they want.

Hell, our democracy has gotten so bad that U.S. District Judge Loretta Biggs claims North Carolina, a swing state with 15 electoral votes, has engaged in Jim-Crow-style voter suppression that is “insane” and leaves her “horrified.” Apparently, several North Carolina counties have purged a total of 6,700 voters from the rolls over the past two years, prompting the NAACP to sue. We give a laurel to Judge Biggs for fighting the purges and restoring rights to voters.

At least things don’t look so crappy outside the U.S. On Thursday, while an Australian man was looking for a makeshift bathroom when “nature called,” he stumbled upon the oldest-known evidence of aboriginal people in Australia. It was previously estimated the aboriginal peoples came to Australia about 39,000 years ago. But thanks to Clifford Coulthard’s tiny bladder, he stumbled upon rock art that’s been dated to be about 49,000 years old. We give a laurel to Mr. Coulthard and his urinary system for accidentally making the Australian prehistory discovery of a lifetime.

We love to end Darts & Laurels on a happy note. Remember that editorial we ran Tuesday about that young autistic black student who was shoved to the ground during a race in Rochester, New York? Originally, the arrest warrant petition was denied. But as the stories caught wind, it seems the respective courts have changed their mind and decided to issue a warrant for Martin MacDonald, who admitted he pushed the student. We give a laurel to whomever the hell changed their mind.

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