Site: The Swamp (cap: 88,548)
Kickoff: Noon, Saturday
TV/Radio: CBS/Gators IMG Sports Network
This isn’t just another football game.
Will Muschamp returns to Gainesville this weekend.
For those of you who are sports illiterate: Muschamp and Florida parted in 2014 because he didn’t do enough winning.
A couple years later, Muschamp finds himself as the head coach at South Carolina, ready to flaunt his way back down south with his Gamecocks to show off what the Gators have been missing for the past two seasons.
Turns out, not much.
South Carolina is 5-4, and the Gators are 6-2 in their second year under coach Jim McElwain.
Still, Saturday will probably feel more awkward than if McElwain and Jalen Tabor went shopping at Publix together and spotted Muschamp in the frozen food aisle, uncomfortably making eye contact and being forced to concoct three minutes of small talk before parting with a “We should catch up sometime!”
We all know they’ll never catch up.
OK, that got weird.
Debating this week’s game between an Alligator and a Gamecock are sports writers Ian Cohen and Ethan Bauer.
Alligators will win because…
I believe that in cock fights, the cock usually wears razor blades on its talons. That would probably get it somewhere against most animals, but alligators have pretty thick skin, so one bite from the alligator and it's over. The alligator wins easily. However, those razor blades still do damage after death, causing the alligator to internally bleed out and die. In the battle of two of nature’s greatest creations, the deadly stalemate goes to prove that the late English philosopher Thomas Hobbes was right: Life really is “nasty, brutish and short.”
OK, that also got weird.
-Ethan Bauer
Gamecocks will win because…
I’m assuming a gamecock is synonymous with a rooster, and roosters are famous throughout history for producing one of the most well-known sounds of all time: the screeching noise you hear at dawn that signals the start of the day.
How does this have anything to do with a fight against an Alligator, you ask?
Phenomenal question.
-Ian Cohen
Now, onto the picks!
In first place with a record of 42-36-1 is sports writer Ian “Joggers” Cohen, who wore a fly pair of relaxation pants that were found on his brother’s bedroom floor six years ago to the office on Wednesday. One sports writer was quite taken with his new look, noting that the joggers “hugged his legs nicely.” We know that wasn’t the compliment you were hoping for, Ian, but we suggest you take what you can get. When you’re wearing joggers to work, odds are there aren’t too many other ones on the way.
In second place with a record of 40-38-1 is the Gainesville Sun’s Graham “Burned” Hall, who was next-level dissed by what he thought was an automated messaging system after he replied to a text message asking him to vote for Hillary Clinton in the Presidential election. Graham asked the text-messager “Where them emails at,” to which Monica A. responded with a 1,000 word thesis insulting Graham, his political views, his views on life in general, his cute foster kitten, Denzel, and his overall despicability as a human. Hillary 1, Graham, 0.
In third place with a record of 39-39-1 is sports writer Ethan “Common Sense” Bauer, who used the only pair of serving tongs for the chicken at the post-media meal and dipped it in the bowl of ranch dressing so he could get some sauce on his plate. Hey Ethan, did it ever occur to you that maybe someone didn’t want ranch? Or that you could’ve just picked up the bowl of ranch and poured it on your plate? Or that the dude behind you gave you the stank eye before he was forced to grab the chicken with his hands? No? Ahh, barnacles.
In fourth place with a record of 38-40-1 is sports writer Patrick “Tattletale” Pinak, who was upset at Graham for putting Monica A. “on blast” by posting the picture of their text message thread to his Twitter account. Patrick then proceeded to reach in his backpack, pull out a “Baseball players for Hillary” sign and chanted “stronger together” as he marched out of the press box.
In fifth place with a record of 37-41-1 is GatorCountry.com’s Nick “Nice Guy” De La Torre, who took the time out of his busy schedule to grab some media guides and hand them out to reporters earlier in the week. At first glance, this might have seemed like an attempt to do a good deed, but we all know you were just looking for an excuse to get a quick arm workout in before Jim McElwain showed up, Nick.
We have a two-way tie for sixth place with records of 35-42-1.
First up is the Orlando Sentinel’s Edgar “Shakespeare” Thompson, who spent about 10 minutes on Tuesday mystified at the talent and genius of Shakespeare, marveling at his use of iambic pentameter to cleverly arrange rhymes. So, Edgar, you were alive in the mid 1500’s. Did you get Shakespeare's autograph?
Next is 24/7Sports.com’s Thomas “Under the weather” Goldkamp, who is on the picks column’s injury list yet again. No insult here. Get well soon buddy.
And in dead-ass last with a piss-poor record of 33-45-1 is sports writer Jordan “Secretly a Yankee Fan” McPherson, who got extremely excited upon hearing that former MLB player Alex Rodriguez would be coming to UF to speak. Hey Jordan, do you really want to pick Rodriguez’s brain about sports, or are you really just looking for a way to bulk up and jump on that roid wagon? We hear Rodriguez can give you a few tips.
