You’re sitting in the doctor’s office, waiting with anticipation for Dr. Pepper to come in to treat you. After what feels like an eternity, he finally knocks on the door and lets himself in. “So, you’ve been cut in half. Vertically. How you were even able to do anything apart from bleed out on the floor, let alone get up, schedule a doctor’s appointment and attend this appointment, is nothing short of a miracle. Frankly, everything I know about medicine has been undermined by your survival.” You stare blankly at him, then despite your larynx literally being severed in half, manage to shout out “God damn it Doc, speak English! How much time do I have left to live?” Shocked you’re even able to reply, he stutters, “A few minutes, I think? Once again, you’ve literally been split down the middle.” “Oh thank God,” you mutter, spitting blood everywhere. “Just enough time to read the only thing worth living for,
Darts & Laurels.”
As we begin to gear up for finals, our collective campus stress level is high. Naturally, we all partake in calming exercises one way or another. Some of us binge-watch Netflix, some drink in excess and others dabble in recreational drug use. To those of you in the last camp, rejoice in the knowledge that earlier this week, President Barack Obama said marijuana ought to be treated and regulated similarly to alcohol and cigarettes. We present a funny-smelling laurel to Big Barry O for recognizing the absurdity of marijuana’s current legal classification.
On the other side of the political spectrum, openly conservative “news” agency Breitbart News Network recently declared war on beloved cereal company Kellogg’s, which has blessed our lives with awesome cereals like Frosted Flakes, Apple Jacks, Froot Loops and Rice Krispies. The decision came after Kellogg’s decided to pull advertising from the site, saying Breitbart isn’t “aligned with our values.” We give a dart to Breitbart News Network for being so goddamn insane that their moral values got ditched by a cereal company.
Now, to sum up the political side of this editorial with an observation about the recent presidential election: We’re not going into details, but yesterday, Hillary Clinton’s lead over Donald Trump reached 2.5 million. This (growing) margin is officially larger than any of the nine previous presidents. We give a dart to the Electoral College for royally and undemocratically screwing the American people and, consequently, the world.
Closer to home, football star Chad Ochocinco came to visit campus Thursday to talk to some Sports Media and Society students. After class, he was kind enough to take all of the students out to lunch at The Swamp Restaurant. As students who are all a bit tight on cash right now, we sincerely thank you, not only for taking time out of your day to talk to us, but also for picking up the check after lunch. Ochocinco, you are the real MVP. For that, we give you a laurel.
Surprise sports guests aside, we can’t deny the finals-week stress is getting real. As our fellow students go to the library for the first time this semester, we hand a big dart to Marston Science Library and Library West for being too crowded and loud. Starbucks aside, we just want to finish our study guides without hearing your roommate drama.
This being the last Darts and Laurels of the semester, we want to reach out and say thank you, sincerely, to all our dedicated readers here in Gainesville, and all of those who have kept up with us online. We present to you, our wonderful readership, the final laurel of 2016, for being a spectacular audience and having great taste in newspapers.