He wasn’t trying to be funny. He wasn’t trying to make anyone snicker. He wasn’t trying to send the world of social media into a frenzy.
But man oh man, did O.J. Simpson make some people laugh last week.
In case you missed it, the disgraced former football player had a parole hearing in Nevada on Thursday where he asked to be released from prison earlier than his 33-year sentence for armed robbery stipulated.
Sitting in court wearing a light blue denim button-down shirt, Simpson blathered on for almost an hour explaining why he felt he deserved the privilege of freedom.
But in the middle of his soliloquy, with over 13 million people watching on TV, he uttered this absurd and downright hilarious line: “I’ve always thought I was pretty good with people. I basically have spent a conflict-free life.”
Woah… Woah woah woah woah woah. Let’s mull that one over for a second.
Conflict free? Really? Has he forgotten the unbelievable shit show that’s been his life?
The 70-year-old’s legal history is far from spotless. It’s the complete opposite of spotless in fact, and it’s definitely not devoid of quarrel and controversy.
He was charged with spousal abuse in 1989 after allegedly attacking Nicole Brown Simpson on New Year’s Day.
Then there’s the well-known double murder of Brown and Ronald Goldman, which he was acquitted of by a criminal jury in 1995 but found liable for in civil court two years later.
There’s also a road rage charge in 2001, armed robbery, assault and kidnapping charges from the 2007 Las Vegas robbery that finally put him in jail, and a contempt-of-court citation in 2008.
So with that criminal resume, how the hell does he categorize his existence on earth as conflict free?
“He’s a sociopath, a narcissistic liar, a murderer, a thug, a kidnapper, a robber” Ronald Goldman’s father, Fred, said on Saturday. “The list goes on.”
Well said Fred. Well said.
Simpson, who did ultimately receive his wish and was granted parole on Thursday, proved one thing to me last week. Despite almost nine years in jail to reflect on his life and all of his mistakes, he clearly learned absolutely nothing.
A conflict-free life? Give me a break.
Dylan Dixon is sports editor of the Alligator. His column appears frequently on Tuesdays and Thursday. Contact him at email@example.com and follow him on Twitter @dylanrdixon.