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Monday, May 27, 2024

Picks column bye week: Is Florida’s season already over?

<p><span>Eight Gators writers pick eight college football games from around the country.&nbsp;</span></p>

Eight Gators writers pick eight college football games from around the country. 

The halfway point in the season is upon us, and Florida is already limping to the finish with a 3-3 record. Luckily for the Gators, they have a bye week, giving their fans a chance to have at least one fall Saturday without inevitable disappointment. With a looming matchup against No. 3 Georgia, things are looking bleak for the Gators’ season. But is it time to officially declare Florida’s 2017 campaign is over? That’s for our writers to decide. Before we make our picks for this weekend’s college football games, alligatorSports editor Matt Brannon and assistant editor Dylan Dixon are going to debate whether Florida’s season is already over.

Florida’s season is over because …

The Gators are debilitated by injuries, suspensions and a lack of talent on their roster.

Although there’s still five games remaining on its schedule, the 2017 Florida football team is the equivalent of a stray kitten that just ran onto the middle of Interstate 75 during rush hour.

It isn’t dead yet, but any moment an 18-wheeler is going to come flying up the freeway and pulverize the unsuspecting baby feline into a mixture of blood, guts and wasted potential.

UF is all but guaranteed to fall to Georgia next weekend, and a loss would mathematically eliminate it from the SEC East title race. With Florida having no shot at winning its conference championship, is there really anything left to play for? I think not. This season is officially a lost cause.

- Dylan Dixon

Florida’s season isn’t over yet because …

Sure, the Gators won’t win a national championship this year. And yes, fans expected more out of Jim McElwain’s third season as head coach. And of course, Florida’s lucky to even have three wins after squeaking by against Tennessee and Kentucky. But it’s not time to push the panic button yet. UF is supposed to be an institution of higher learning, so if we look at the team’s situation mathematically, Florida still has a shot at making the SEC Championship Game. If the Gators go undefeated in the SEC for the rest of the season and Georgia drops at least one conference game (potentially to Auburn), McElwain will be back in Atlanta for the third consecutive year. That’s pretty cool, isn’t it?

- Matt Brannon

Now, onto our competitors!

In first place at 34-21 is 247Sports’ Thomas “are we there yet?” Goldkamp, who was so annoyed that he has to cover the Gators that he fled Florida for the bye week. He says he’s off visiting friends out of state, but we know that’s just code for landing in a South Carolina clinker after another one of his moonshine-fueled benders.

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Next up at 31-24 is Gator Country’s Nick “peaked in high school” de la Torre, who recently posted a grainy photograph of himself playing baseball at St. Thomas Aquinas. While the picture worked fine for “throwback” Thursday, Nick is getting so old that soon, he’ll only be able to post about “throw your back out” Thursday.

Tied for third at 30-25 is the Alligator’s Ethan “attempted puppy murderer" Bauer, who nearly ran over a puppy with his car Wednesday afternoon and then bragged about it to his fellow colleagues. "Dude, when I saw it, I didn't even try and slow down," he boasted with glee. Geez Ethan, that's almost as psychotic as the time you interrupted a Jim McElwain press conference to announce you hadn't bathed in six days. Get a grip.

Also at 30-25 is the Orlando Sentinel’s Edgar “I can't believe I have to skip work for this" Thompson, who missed last week's Florida - Texas A&M game because he was "obligated" to go to his sister's wedding. Edgar wasn't too pleased, as you can probably surmise from his nickname. But let's face it. It was the least he could do for his sister, Cary, who stuck by his side for years while battled his addiction with Rogaine. She deserves better from a brother.

In fifth at 29-26 is the Gainesville Sun’s Graham “zero credibility” Hall, who was excoriated by a writer from The Associated Press on Saturday after he incorrectly tweeted that Florida football is off to its worst start since the 1980s. Graham, not only were you wrong, but you were off by more than 10 years — which is the amount of time it’ll take before your already questionable reputation recovers.

After Graham at 27-28 is the Alligator’s Ian “religious persecution” Cohen, who punched his ticket to hell Wednesday when he said he’s annoyed that Feleipe Franks talks about God after every game. Ian says no one wants to read about God. Hey Ian, you know what the best-selling book of all time is? A little thing called the Bible. Maybe if you spent more time repenting and less time complaining, God wouldn’t curse you with perpetual pessimism.

And now, we get to the Alligator’s two pathetic sports editors, who are in a tie for piss-poor last.

First at 24-31 is Matt "I'm a clown and I'm proud" Brannon, who recently revealed to a colleague he likes to powder his face white and wear a red wig on his head while he parades around his living room in oversized clothing. Some might think that's unusual, but for Matt, it's just another day in his wacky life.

Also at 24-31 is Dylan "anything for Aaron Rodgers" Dixon, who hasn’t been seen or heard from since the Packers’ quarterback broke his collarbone last weekend. Legend has it that Dylan tried to donate his collarbone for a transplant, but was rejected when doctors realized his bones are weaker than the average toothpick.

Eight Gators writers pick eight college football games from around the country. 

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