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Monday, April 15, 2024
Picks Week 5
Picks Week 5

The Dan Mullen hot takes are among us. The alligatorSports staff travels to Starkvegas this weekend to see for ourselves the alleged anti-Mullen outrage. And among all of that clanga clanga, we’ll all bare witness to some of the maroon-faced hatred.

That’s not to say there aren’t other storylines worth paying attention to. “Silence” is a theme among two schools notorious for demanding it. Florida State fans are back on the Taggart bus and are out in full force #talkinboutthenoles. And Tennessee walks the green mile in its next three games against Georgia, Auburn and Alabama.

This week, we’re actually going to look at a good game. Well, a higher quality game, anyway. This matchup is like the Brett Kavanaugh hearing if both teams were Kavanaugh. Assistant editor Jake Dreilinger and online editor Mark Stine debate this sleazy monstrosity.


Ohio State will win because…

I don’t think that Ohio State will exactly “silence the white noise” (boy, did my stomach turn writing that), but I don’t think Penn State will be able to finish this game within three points or less.

Even though this game is being played in Happy Valley, the Buckeyes have the more versatile and more efficient offense. Dwayne Haskins is an incredibly efficient passer, completing 75.7 percent of his passes and firing 16 touchdowns to only one interception. Then Tate Martell will enter the ballgame on occasion and make the Nittany Lion defense worry about his speed and ability to extend plays with his legs (he averages 6.72 yard per carry).

PSU quarterback Trace McSorley, on the other hand, only completes at a rate of 53.8 percent and has eight passing touchdowns and a pair of picks to his name.

On the ground Ohio State reps two quarterbacks that are willing runners and backs in J.K. Dobbins and Mike Weber share the load and have combined for 622 yards and five touchdowns.

Oh yeah, and on the other side of the ball Ohio State is only allowing 17 points per contest.

Penn State should keep this game rather close, and the “white noise” in Beaver Stadium will be high octane, but this Buckeyes team is just too loaded.


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- Mark


Penn State will win because…

I’m not going to sit here and predict that Penn State will win this game easily. It will face Urban Meyer and the Ohio State Buckeyes in Happy Valley with all eyes on the game and come out on top in a convincing win.

It’s not that easy. It’s never that easy.

Both Penn State (55.5 points per game) and Ohio State (54.5 points per game) boast the nation’s highest scoring offenses. And since the last two matchups between these two powerhouses have been decided by a ground total of four points, it’s mostly anybody’s game.


Penn State wins this game. Why?

It has already had a near-loss experience. The Nittany Lions nearly fell in the season opener against Appalachian State. Ohio State hasn’t even come close to losing yet.

I believe this will play a major factor in the outcome of the game. Penn State almost knows what it’s like to feel the sting of defeat. The Buckeyes do not.

In a game where everything about the matchup is nearly identical in every way, shape or form, you have to take the intangibles and run with it.




Now onto the picks!

In a tie for first at 21-11 is Alanis “Sour Patch Mom” Thames, who was incredibly distraught at the sight of a full pack of Sour Patch Kids littering the road outside Neyland Stadium. You could feel the tremors in her voice as she remembered those poor kids on the car ride home from Knoxville. It’s OK, Alanis. They’re probably not in a better place now, but hey, outta sight, outta mind.

Sharing the top spot is Mark “Milk Carton” Stine. Have YOU seen this man? If you have, please let him know we miss him at the office. We haven’t seen him in a few weeks, and we’re getting worried that his hoard of smoked meat is running low. Please advise.


In a tie for third at 18-14 is Nick “Coin Toss” de la Torre, who diligently keeps track of the most important stat. It isn’t about completion percentage or yards per carry or anything like that. No, the kids want who wins the coin toss. For the record, UF is 1-3 in the pregame ritual.


Gainesville Sun beat writer Graham “Women’s Basketball Specialist” Hall is also in third. Graham catches a lot of flack for covering UF’s women’s basketball team, and frankly, we’re not sure why. Don’t feel bullied by these old white men, you young white man. We know Funda Nakkasoglu dishes out better assists than they do shade. Do you, man. Do you.


In a tie for fifth at 17-15 is Orlando Sentinel reporter Edgar “Into the Sand” Thompson, who used last weekend as a celebration of the good walk spoiled. The king’s game can wait, my man. There’s football afoot. Are there even any golf courses in Mississippi? I guess we’ll all find out tomorrow.


Also in fifth is the Associated Press’ Mark “Sewer Seeker” Long, who, after waiting on UF to finish up practice Monday night, was the lead investigator on a mysterious stench permeating the atmosphere. The Associated Press is known for its fervent pursuit of leads, but this might be a bit much. Let it go, Mark. Sit there in reluctant acceptance like the rest of us.

Wrapping up fifth place is Jake “Trump ‘Brows” Dreilinger. Jake went to a wedding as opposed to the UF-UT game and probably regrets it for two reasons. For one, he didn’t get a taste of that sweet, sweet Tennessee BBQ. For two, he ended up with a sunburn worse than all of ours combined, and that’s after we walked Tennessee’s campus for five hours. His circumstances yielded eyebrows comparable to our Orange in Chief. That’s the entire joke. We’re done here.  

Spending his second week as the caboose at 16-16 is Morgan “Juul Tool” McMullen, who can always be seen with a Juul on his person. We get it Morgan, you vape. If you choose to fill your lungs with cancer, that’s fine, but don’t give it to the rest of us by blowing it in our faces 24/7.

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