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Saturday, May 08, 2021
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Photo by Florian Olivo on Unsplash.

Sunday night, a teenage gamer became a multi-millionaire and also a Fortnite World Cup champion. Sixteen-year-old Kyle “Bugha” Giersdorf beat 99 other players, and in doing so, became the game’s first solo world champion. He won $3 million. And although he didn’t ask, we have a few ideas about how he should spend it. 

Adopt all the dogs in Gainesville animal shelters

The end of the summer brings with it the end of leases and the beginning of move-out season. With people going from one apartment to another, sometimes pets are sacrificed in the process. Luckily, Alachua County has a no-kill policy, but the amount of animals left behind due to complications in leases is sad. Even when housing agreements aren’t part of the problem, some college students sign up for a pet without realizing the responsibility. Yeah, a pet sounds like a great idea, but when you haven’t been to your apartment for 12 hours, it seems less so. 

Giersdorf shouldn’t have to spend his $3 million rescuing the dogs left behind from underestimating fools who can’t even clean their toilet bowl regularly, but think they can take care of a dog while taking 15 credits.

Buy a bunch of ice to dump in the ocean to stop global warming

With $3 million, Giersdorf can buy enough ice to cool down the oceanic temperatures. That’s how we stop global warming, right? 

Just kidding. The penguins and polar bears may do well with some extra tons of ice, but it won’t stop the way humans have decided to exhaust our resources.  No amount of money can save us from humanity’s path to depletion. Also, even if money could save the planet, it’s not like $3 million is going to make a difference. With the amount of money major greenhouse-gas-emitting industries are making, $3 million is a drop in the oil bucket. 

Giersdorf worked long and hard for his prize money. Save him from buying $3 million worth of ice and do whatever you can to stop global warming. You heard all the tips before. Vote for change. Limit your waste. Tell your representatives to push legislation that helps the environment. 

Buy Juul pods to dry up the market and keep addiction plastic bits out of the mouths of impressionable teens

Possibly our greatest idea to date. With $3 million, Giersdorf can afford to buy over 200,000 packs of Juul pods with enough left over to hire someone to go into smoke shops and drain the nicotine sources. Yes, we know, this is the solution to the teen vaping epidemic the country has been waiting for.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, one in five high school students use e-cigarettes. On July 18, Forbes reported a Connecticut man is suing Juul Labs for causing him to have a stroke that left him half paralyzed after he became addicted to the product as a teenager. Also, eight Milwaukee-area teenagers were hospitalized in the last month due to what doctors think is severe lung damage from vaping. With all the smoke in the air over vapings safety, if Giersdorf can’t buy out all the Juul pods to stop teens from using them, maybe his $3 million can go to vape research. 

Buy his way into a university 

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Giersdorf may be 16 and a video game world champion, but if college is in his life plan, he might be able to buy his way into the university of his choice. We think he can afford some digital artist to Photoshop him into a crew team. Or with the $3 million, he could buy a building for the school’s gaming team, which he will obviously be captain. Of course, we’re kidding because, as a Fortnite world champion, you could probably get into any college with that resume line alone. But why would he even want to go to college when his dorm probably won't have a powerful enough internet connection for streaming/gaming purposes?

The Alligator Editorial Board includes the Opinions Editor Jackie De Freitas, Editor-in-Chief Mark Stine and managing editors Hannah Beatty and Lindsey Breneman.

Photo by Florian Olivo on Unsplash.

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