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Thursday, January 20, 2022

“Yes, Mom. I am prepared for the hurricane. Yes. Uh-huh.” You roll your eyes and shift your cell to the other ear.

“Yes, I have a full tank of gas. Yep.” You don’t actually know how much gas your car has, but you’re pretty sure it didn’t beep at you the last time you drove it. 

“I have plenty of non-perishable food. Lots of bottled water and batteries.” Your lies continue, but now you’re hungry. “Mhmm. Yep.” 

You keep up the agreeable sounds while meandering into the kitchen you share with your roommate, Kathy. You open the cabinets, looking for a snack. “I don’t know if they're going to cancel class, Mom. They haven’t announced anything yet.” 

Hmm... herbal tea, peanut butter and a partial bag of quinoa. You turn to the fridge. “No, I don’t think it would make sense to drive the 4 hours home just to sit inside waiting on a hurricane that may not even hit when I need to spend the weekend here, studying.” Your classmate, Tiffany, told you about a hurricane party on Saturday. Supposedly, some engineering juniors have rigged up a wind tunnel. “You know I can’t focus on schoolwork when I visit.” You frown in consternation at your fridge. 

Everything in the fridge has “KATHY” written on it. You don’t understand why she is so uptight. If you had known the cake was for her boyfriend’s birthday you never would have eaten it. Or, at least, you wouldn’t have eaten all of it. “Look, Mom. I gotta go. I have my study group. Yep. Uh-huh. You too. Bye.” You close the fridge and hang up. Maybe your mom is right. It wouldn’t hurt to stop by the store and pick up a few necessities just in case, like a box of those pizza Cheez-Its Tiffany let you try that morning. Oh, and you should probably replace that bottle of Kathy’s wine you drank last night. And get one for yourself. 

You grab your keys and swing open the door. A piece of paper flutters to the floor. Hoping it’s a coupon for take-out, because you are seriously up for devouring some General Tso’s, you pick it up. But it’s not a coupon at all. It reads.... 


A laurel goes to Lizzo for her performance at the VMAs this week. More specifically, a laurel goes to Lizzo’s butt. On Monday, Lizzo wowed the audience of MTV’s Video Music Awards when she shared the stage during her performance of “Truth Hurts” and “Good As Hell” with a giant, twerking inflatable booty. We wish we were 100 percent that b****.

A dart goes to all the people buying way too many cases of bottled water this weekend. Be honest with yourself, the only water you drink during a regular day is from a White Claw. It will take you until next hurricane season to drink that 24 pack, and until hurricane season of the year 2469 for the bottles to biodegrade. Opt for gallon jugs instead, fill large ziplock bags with water and freeze them. Or skip the plastic all together and fill a few of the dozens of thermoses and water bottles sitting in your cupboard. Don’t waste whatever water is leftover, but use it for your plants, to top off your Keurig’s reservoir or to refresh your cat’s water bowl. Or you could, you know, drink it. 

A laurel goes to KFC for increasing their meatless options. KFC partnered with Beyond Meat to offer plant-based Beyond Fried Chicken at one of their Atlanta locations on Tuesday. The “chicken” was sold out within 5 hours. We hope this apparent success will lead to KFC expanding the availability of the Beyond Fried Chicken nationwide. We aren’t about that Chick-fil-A versus Popeyes drama.

Finally, to continue with what is becoming a series of teenagers making us look bad, a laurel goes to Greta Thunberg. The 16-year-old Swedish environmental activist chose to travel to the U.S. by zero carbon-emission sailboat instead of taking a conventional plane, arriving in New York on Wednesday after a two week transatlantic journey. She opted for consciousness over convenience. Something we should keep in mind the next time we’re tempted to drive across the parking lot to spare ourselves the 50-foot walk from Pier 1 Imports to Trader Joe’s.

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The Editorial Board consists of Elizabeth Tubbs, Opinions Editor; Amanda Rosa, Editor-in Chief; Kelly Hayes, Digital Managing Editor; and Tranelle Maner, Engagement Managing Editor.

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