Hey, Florida, we did it. For the first time in forever (Any “Frozen” fans out there?), something crazy and nationally humiliating happened, and it wasn’t in our state. Here, here: Drinks on us, everyone. According to the local Channel 8 News, police arrested a man they found publicly masturbating and “acting like (a) gorilla” at Giant Eagle Plaza in Warren, Ohio.
We’re going to delve into how this story is just so naturally funny but also pretty disappointing from a societal standpoint — little bit o’ good news and then some bad news.
This story is the kind of wild stuff you can’t make up. After leaving Leavittsburg, Ohio (eh?), Timothy Cook whipped out his eagle on Giant Eagle Plaza and began masturbating. According to the news report, “By the time officers arrived, they said they found Cook sweating profusely in the parking lot, acting like a ‘gorilla’ by squatting on all fours, punching the blacktop, jumping up and down, screaming non-coherently and growling.”
Correct us if we’re wrong, but generally what follows masturbating is a magical feeling of release and warm, sweet fuzziness… or deep shame and regret. But squatting on all fours, punching the street, screaming and jumping? It looks like someone never sat through those marvelous “Just Around the Corner” sex-ed classes from middle school. Or maybe he did, and this is simply the best American sex ed has to offer.
Also, why do the police and others compare this guy to a gorilla? When did gorillas suddenly fall under the same category as wild public masturbators frantically jumping about? Gorillas are decent people. Sure, King Kong has a bit of an anger issue and a strange obsession with white women in dresses (arctic fever, much?). But unless they’re defending their territory or trying to woo a mate, gorillas are super chill.
Put it this way: Back in May at the Cincinnati Zoo, a 4-year-old boy slipped into a gorilla enclosure, and all that happened was one of the gorillas, Harambe, reportedly carried the boy around the habitat for about 10 minutes. That boy would’ve been in way more danger with this Ohio masturbator stomping about and screaming incoherently than with Harambe.
So, let’s stop saying this guy acted like a gorilla when he more closely resembles a mix between the Norman Parking Garage “serial masturbator” our very own Martin Vassolo reported on back in February and the Florida man who reportedly threw a chair at his mailman for not having mail.
OK, we discussed the absurdity of this story, but why is it kind of depressing again? This story is really only funny because said masturbator is a man and not a woman. It’s the reason why we even feel comfortable writing about this story so sarcastically.
Our culture teaches us that male sexuality is to be out and in the open, which is why we can joke around when some guy in Ohio decides to masturbate in a parking lot.
Just try to imagine how this story would unfold if a woman of equal description — 32 years old, and let’s say somewhat attractive, even though the actual guy kind of looks like an ugly Eminem.
If that story even made it to national press, she’d be written off as deranged, “unladylike” and called every derogatory name for a woman there is. Our society over-sexualizes women all the time, yet simultaneously expects women to go about their lives keeping their sexuality reserved, else they be called this and that.
It ain’t right, and we have to acknowledge these minor oppressions and work to change them. The fight won’t be over until we can laugh at all public masturbators alike.
