It’s September, and you know what that means: Halloween-themed crap is about to hit every store shelf, while the weather continues to remain hotter than Satan’s armpit. Sorry, but it’s impossible to enjoy pumpkin-flavored everything when shorts and flip-flops are still de rigueur.
If you haven’t been paying attention to foreign affairs, you should be! Yesterday, President Barack Obama met with other global leaders at a G-20 summit to discuss the much-debated Syria situation. We expect major decisions to unfold in the next few days, so make sure to flip to the news in between commercial breaks during the Miami game tomorrow.
Anyway, here it is: your welcome-to-September-now-can-you-pass-me-a-cold-one edition of Darts & Laurels.
Thursday, as global leaders met to — we hope — shut down Obama’s efforts to resort to military intervention in Syria, Pope Francis spoke up. According to The Associated Press, the ever-cool Twitter Pope wrote a letter to the G-20 host, Russian President Vladimir Putin, urging all leaders to “lay aside the futile pursuit of a military solution” in Syria. For that, we give Pope Francis a that’s-the-way-to-use-your-papal-powers LAUREL.
Outrage followed a Montana judge’s decision last week to sentence Stacey Rambold, the 54-year-old high school teacher who admitted to raping a 14-year-old student who later committed suicide, to only 30 days in jail. The case has received national attention, especially as Judge G. Todd Baugh, 71, released insane victim-blaming statements — he called the girl “older than her chronological age” and said she was “as much in control of the situation” as Rambold was. Now, Baugh claims he misread a state law and believes Rambold should serve a minimum of two years in prison.
Wow, way to backpedal. As prosecutors now begin the process of contesting the penalty on account of legal error, we give Baugh a time-to-resign-and-disappear-forever DART.
On to brighter news: Diana Nyad broke records this week after being the first person to swim from Cuba to Florida without a shark cage. The 64-year-old swimmer covered 110 miles in 53 hours. In an interview with PBS News Hour, Nyad said at one point she basically vomited continuously throughout the swim from ingesting so much seawater — whoa. In the interview, she imparted some inspiring thoughts:
“I wanted to swim this endeavor not to just be the athletic record. I wanted it to be a lesson for my life that says, be fully engaged. Be so awake and alert and alive every minute of every waking day, because that’s where I had to be for these ... years to get this done.”
So suck it, Bear Grylls! Nyad proves that nature-defying badasses come in all ages and sexes, and for that, we’re handing her a LAUREL — but only because we can’t personally high-five her.
Happy Friday, y’all! And ‘Canes, prepare to be crushed.
A version of this editorial ran on page 6 on 9/6/2013 under the headline "Darts & Laurels"
