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Thursday, March 28, 2024

True to his reputation as the hardest-hitting driver on the PGA Tour, Tiger Woods spent the majority of his Thanksgiving holiday entering a world of pain. The grimy details that are now oozing out of the celebrity guerrilla media sleaze machine only amplify the deliciousness of this sordid Tiger tale.

Tiger and the other residents of Isleworth Country Club live in palatial houses that start at $2 million, but it is refreshing to see that nobody in this exclusive enclave has decided it would be a good idea to talk to the popo. Snitches get stitches, no matter if you live in Section 8 housing or on a snobbish golf course. Tiger “Stop Snitchin” Woods usually stays far away from political endorsements or social issues, so it is good to see him take a firm stand against assisting law enforcement officers. Everybody finds their voice sometime in their lives. 

The worthless public relations vomit slopped down in front of us by the more established news outlets would be insulting if it weren’t so comical. Tiger’s hot Viking nursemaid of a wife was saving his life when she smashed his SUV with a golf club in the wee hours of the night, as the official pablum read last week. Honestly, I can hardly think of a better way to get someone out from behind the wheel than to smash out the back windows with a golf club.

With the staid news outlets sucking at the teat of outright lies and the rich neighbors making like a bunch of defiant dope boys, once again it was up to the Al-Qaida tactics of loosely-coordinated but ideologically similar celebrity news organizations to get the grubby facts about Tiger straightened out.

The saddest part of this whole ordeal is the revelation in US Weekly that Tiger was not only cheating on the Viking nursemaid with a skanky “cocktail waitress” but that said “cocktail waitress” was on the television show “Tool Academy.” I use quotes around the term “cocktail waitress” because it is code for “stripper who can’t dance.”

For those of you who have not had the pleasure of witnessing this masterpiece, after filming the first episode, “Tool Academy” instantly rocketed into the pantheon of Greatest Achievements in American History along with the Apollo space missions and Pixy Stix. The show is a transcendent experience, and like fine wine, it only gets better with age.

Obviously, my problem lies not with the show itself but with the fact that the world’s first billion-dollar athlete is sopping up sloppy seconds from a guy who willingly identifies himself before a national audience as “Loud Mouth Tool.”

Tiger lost his Teflon coating this Thanksgiving weekend, but his mansions and money can surely salve most of his wounds. The stench of infidelity may be harder to wash off the formerly squeaky-clean pitchman — especially the “Tool Academy” love hexagon he has dragged his wife into — but America loves to build people back up after mercilessly tearing them down. Good thing Oprah is gonna be around for a couple more years, because Tiger may need a seat on her comfy couch sometime soon.

Tommy Maple is a graduate student in international communications. His column appears on Thursdays.

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