In a few weeks, Disney will release the movie "Beverly Hills Chihuahua," yet another gem from the live-action-films-about-talking-animals genre.
From the days of Doctor Dolittle, Hollywood has poisoned us with reel after reel of talkative fauna disguised as entertainment. Now, we have instant classics like "Alvin and the Chipmunks."
Enough! Someone should have filed a malpractice lawsuit against Dr. Dolittle a long time ago.
Animals don't talk, nor should they. Talking is one of the few things humans have over the rest of the animal kingdom. These movies suggest our friends from the lower links on the food chain possess the power to bring us down.
Think about that for a second. Not only is a grizzly bear a large, ferocious beast - now he can taunt you while he mauls you to death.
It's not cute. It's not funny. You know what I call a lizard trying to sell me auto insurance? A liar. I don't buy insurance from liars.
Joking about animals having the ability to talk is like joking about children going to college or having a professional job. Doogie Howser was not cute; he was a threat to adult doctors everywhere. What patient would want Dr. Midlife Crisis operating on them when they could have a fresh-faced youngster wielding the scalpel instead?
Talking animals are freaks of a different nature. Their mouths move independently of the rest of their furry faces while their jaws stretch open and closed in a nightmarish hell of sharp teeth and saliva.
What's worse, these yappy beasts seem to contribute to mean stereotypes with Taco Bell-craving Chihuahuas and dirty, ugly dogs that sound like Kurt Russell.
I'm fine with animals communicating via thought-speak, such as the pets in "Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey." I remember feeling out of the loop when my cat Raja glanced at my golden retriever Griff, who then yawned. Sarcastic telekinesis among our pets is something we have yet to disprove.
Oral communication between man and animal, conversely, is both misleading and frightening. We're raising a generation of children who will waste hours talking to their hamsters, hoping for a response. I fear the day someone tries to reason with a rhinoceros.
So join me. Let's boycott these stupid movies. Strap a muzzle on them. It may be the only way they can finally be put to sleep.
