My father once explained to me the importance of good timing in relationships. "Never talk to women when they're angry," he told me one night as he plopped on the couch with a blanket and pillow.
Women have the luxury (or curse) of timing programmed into them. They're on a monthly clock. That's probably how they know when we're off.
Men fall anywhere between Big Ben and the blinking "12:00" on a VCR.
For me, timing a move on a girl is like trying to merge onto the highway during rush hour. In the beginning, I keep inching forward as if I'm going to do something. I don't, of course.
Suddenly, an opening! My heart pounds and I grin stupidly. Here it comes …and there it goes. I'm a vegetable.
After the eighth window closes, the panic starts to set in. A guy behind me shouts, "Get a move on, you pussy!" I say a prayer, hold my breath and gun it. If I don't crash completely, I still make an ass of myself.
And it's not only "when" but "how long." They say you have three seconds after making eye contact with a girl to make a move. That's not enough time for me to approach her, freak out half way and run to the bathroom, repeat "You're so ugly!" into the mirror, dry the tears, sing "Seasons of Love," apologize to the perplexed line on my way out, and find her again, just to go blank and blurt out, "You're so ugly!"
Now, if I can only get all that down to three seconds…
Time of year is also important. I've found the best time to start dating is post-Valentine's Day.
The only problem is that it's right before spring break. A guy is forced to spoon so much that a week later when she's dancing on a beach in Cancun with some shirtless local named Raul, the guilt will keep her faithful. After all, spring fever leaves most college students "bedridden."
Ultimately, there is no right moment. Things usually happen at the worst possible timing (just ask your parents). Aim for perfect timing and you'll probably miss the mark completely. And then you'll end up sleeping on the couch like my dad.
Erik Voss is a journalism and theater junior.
