It’s springtime and I finally replaced my old grip-less basketball shoes, so I plan on spending much of the next few months on the court playing pickup games at Southwest.
I’m about to share everything I’ve learned over the previous three or so years about how to gain respect at UF’s biggest rec center.
Follow these 10 simple instructions and you’re sure to become a pickup game legend.
Wear a jersey: What’s the best way to play like Kobe, LeBron or D-Wade? Come to the gym wearing one of their jerseys, of course. Don’t want to spend $50 on a jersey that will have to be put through the wash and eventually ruined? Dust off that old high school uniform which is sure to give you instant credibility if you’re trying to convince the guy who has downs that you’re good enough to run with him.
Insist on playing to 11 by ones: When the NBA adopted the three-point line in 1979-80, it made a huge mistake. Forget all the spacing that the threat of a three-point line creates, Southwest has it right. Basketball was suppose to be ruled by the biggest and baddest dudes. Who likes a game with ball movement and deep shooting? I’d much rather play a game in which whoever is taller and can outmuscle the other team is guaranteed to win. Don’t you dare try suggesting playing to 15 with ones and twos. We all know that takes much, much longer to finish, and as I’ve heard numerous times at Southwest, “That’s not how we play out here.”
No twos? No problem: Sure, that 25-footer counts just the same as a layup, but don’t let that stop you from jacking it up with a defender in your face. Anyone can knife through the lane and finish at the rim with either hand, but only a select few can stand behind the now-meaningless three-point line and hoist shot after shot. Missed a few bombs in a row? That never deters Kenny Boynton, and it certainly shouldn’t deter you. No one is more fun to play with than the guy who takes any opportunity to launch a shot from downtown in an all-ones game.
Talk Trash: Let that freshman know who’s the man after you jumped over his back, caught him with an elbow and laid the ball in on your third try from three feet away. Not everyone has the physical skills to be the best player on the court, but almost everyone has the ability to talk like the best player on the court, which is almost as respectable. If you really want to let people know you’re not playing around, make sure to talk trash to your teammate who let one of your no-look passes slam off his hands and out of bounds. Start doing that in your Kobe jersey and someone might actually confuse you for the real Kobe.
Harass anyone who calls a foul on you: This isn’t the O’Dome. No blood, no foul. After knocking the opposition to the ground on a fast break, make sure to tell your opponent what a bitch he is as he’s checking it up from the top of the key. I don’t see any officials on the court, which means anyone who calls a foul is just plain soft.
Prove how much of a man you are: Back up your sharp criticism of the other team by showing how a real man conducts himself on the hardwood. After getting mauled on that putback attempt, don’t say anything as the other team looks to you and asks in unison, “Did you call it?” Then start whining to your defender about how he needs to be careful because he almost ripped off your head. Make sure to whine through the next five or six points, and only stop when someone gives you this ultimatum, “Call your fouls, or shut the hell up.”
Call everything: Sure, you just spent the last 10 minutes lecturing on the “street” code of foul calls, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t barrel into the lane like LeBron, create contact like A.I. and cry about getting hacked like Anderson Varejao. The only way all the other scrubs on the court can possibly stop you is to give up any hope of a clean defensive play and hang all over you on your way to the basket. Even though you just told everyone how you don’t call fouls because “it’s real out here,” you can’t let them take you out of your game.
Settle disputes with integrity: Just because that errant pass clearly brushed your hand before sailing out of bounds doesn’t mean the other team can prove it. There’s no instant replay at the rec, so act as incredulous as possible when that scrub says it’s out on you. It’s not about who’s right and who’s wrong, only who’s willing to yell and scream the loudest and longest. Make sure that person is you.
Don’t ever switch: The kid you let run with you and your group of friends sucks, and he’s getting abused by a player on the other team. Keep complaining about how your teammate plays no defense and make him feel even worse after he failed to fight through a screen that you neglected to call out. But whatever you do, DO NOT offer a switch. The last thing you want is that same baller on the other squad punking you, too.
Talk the talk: Like anything else, basketball has a vernacular. Don’t let lack of skill or being white keep you from embracing that. Whenever you sink a jumper, let everyone know that shot was “wet,” even if it slammed off the backboard unintentionally. Waiting for downs because you couldn’t get picked up on the previous game? Stand with one foot in play on the side of the court and annoyingly ask whoever is handling the ball, “What’s the count?” And after you get your ass kicked make sure to say “run it back” as quickly as possible because there’s no way you can lose twice in a row.
