Kenny Boynton is not afraid of waves — or sea monsters, apparently. Florida is playing Georgetown on a boat tonight, and Boynton hasn’t even taken the buoyant surface of the Atlantic Ocean into account?
A reporter asked him if the waves would be a factor, and this guy said: “I didn’t even think about that. I guess we’re going to see how that plays out.”
We’re going to see how that plays out? Why don’t you just dive into the water with the main score from Jaws playing? Let’s see how that plays out!
There are countless aquatic threats UF did not even consider before agreeing to play on the water! We’re talking overzealous lobsters, crotchety old sea turtles and non-Pixar sharks! Even Godzilla came out of the ocean once!
Perhaps the shrimp community is fed up with the excess of humanity’s cocktail parties. If every shrimp in the Jacksonville area grabs 10 friends, things could get dicey.
The ocean is perilous, and we here at the alligatorSports Brand Picks Column do not take unknown waters lightly!
Good luck, Mr. Boynton. May Poseidon — and oppressed shrimp everywhere — have mercy on your soul!
Now, onto the picks!
Georgia (-15.5) will sink Auburn’s battleship because...
The Dawgs actually have something to play for. With a win, Georgia can set sail to Atlanta and the SEC Championship Game. Auburn, meanwhile, has already capsized. Not even an upset of the Bulldogs would be enough to knock the Tigers from the doldrums.
—GREG LUCA
Auburn (+15.5) will send Georgia into the Bermuda Triangle because…
Did you hear about the private security firm hired by Tigers coach Gene Chizik to enforce curfew? Expect a better performance with more sleep from these cats on Saturday. Miracles do happen, and a case of seasickness will sweep through the Dawgs, leading to a Tigers victory.
—ADAM PINCUS
Leading the pack at 48-32 is Rivals’ Bryan “I <3 Josh Elliott” Holt, who insisted on watching ABC’s election coverage due to his obsession with the former SportsCenter anchor. No, Bryan, we don’t care that Elliott went to UC Santa Barbara!
In second with a 44-36 mark is alligatorSports editor Greg “Mitt Romney’s a what?” Luca, who only recently learned the Republican presidential candidate is a Mormon. All we can say is, “Thank God you didn’t vote, you Communist!”
Tied with Luca for silver is The Miami Herald’s Matt “J-A-C-K-A-S-S” Watts, who recently retweeted Tim Tebow’s Twitter post supporting Hurricane Sandy victims while correcting the Jets quarterback’s spelling. We would say you crossed the line, but then we remembered that you don’t have a soul.
Rounding out the second-place tie is The Associated Press’ Mark “Muschamp family beat reporter” Long, who recently spouted off the results of Will Muschamp’s sons’ football games like it was common knowledge. Uh, creepy.
Next up with a 41-39 clip is The Palm Beach Post’s Jason “LET’S PLAY MADDEN!” Lieser, who destroyed a recent Muschamp interview with a slew of questions essentially challenging him to a game on SEGA or something. Sorry, man, but Will doesn’t want to play with you.
Tied with Lieser is alligatorSports writer Josh “NEXT CALLER!” Jurnovoy, who couldn’t stop a “Cheap Seats” listener from babbling about a sponsor’s rival on the air. C’mon, Josh! Your fans can’t handle entertaining radio. Keep giving ‘em what they’re after — boring old you.
Sporting a 39-41 record is alligatorSports assistant editor Joe “Get out of my parking lot!” Morgan, who diligently sat outside his apartment at 4 a.m. Saturday morning to make sure nobody parked there without permission. Was protecting the space nobody can find for the car you don’t have really worth the loss of sleep, Joe?
And in dead-ass last with a piss-poor record of 37-43 is alligatorSports writer Adam “I BELIEVE IN SOCIAL ISSUES” Pincus, whose main reason for voting for Obama was, as he stated, his belief in the existence of social issues. Apparently, some candidates believe social issues are make believe.
