We always hear about the evil corporations that are destroying the future of this planet. However, we rarely hear about the companies that are making our lives worse in the present. That changes right now; here are the 10 worst corporations today.
10. Apple
By inventing the iPhone, Apple tricked everyone into believing that the future was here. In reality, the future is still a long ways away and every "innovation" Apple has made since the iPhone has just been a change in the size of its product.
9. Pixar
Pixar is responsible for an immense amount of sadness in the world. I have never cried as hard as I did while watching "Up," and I'll never forgive Pixar for that.
8. Wal-Mart
In addition to often being the sketchiest store around, Wal-Mart once sold me a solar powered calculator that would not turn on. That is not cool, and Wal-Mart should be ashamed of themselves.
7. Ben and Jerry's
Its ice cream is ridiculously good and is the entire reason that I spent my childhood as a fat person.
6. Red Bull
That thumping you feel in your chest when you drink a Red Bull is your heart sprouting wings. Unfortunately, there is no point in having wings on the inside of your body. Its marketing campaign is so clearly false advertising and still no one sues them.
5. Ferrari
The cars that Ferrari makes are beautiful and amazing. Sadly, some of them cost over a million dollars. Even if I had the money to buy one of its cars, I would feel like a terrible person for spending that much money on something I would surely crash. Ferrari, you are the worst and I hate you for giving me a real Sophie's Choice of having to decide between not being a jerk and owning one of your cars.
4. Oreo
Its cookies are so good and so cheap, and also, the sole reason I spent my teen years as a fat person.
3. Microsoft
If anyone from Microsoft is reading this or listening to it as a book on tape, please pay attention to me when I'm outside your building with a megaphone shouting, "STOP PLAYING THOSE ADS WHERE PEOPLE ARE DOING ACROBATIC TRICKS WITH THEIR TABLETS." I tried doing a simple kick flip with my tablet and it broke immediately. Obviously, I didn't buy your stupid warranty either because it costs half as much as the tablet cost me in the first place.
2. Legos
I have had Lego pieces stuck in my nose, throat, ears, belly button, intestines and several other places. Lego needs to stop making its product look so scrumptious and my mom needs to stop making me Lego cakes.
1. Steak 'n Shake
Steak 'n Shake serves delicious milkshakes and its Friso melt is amazing, but its service is terrible. The service is so bad that it is the only thing keeping me from spending my adult life as a fat person. However, this inconsistency in body weight has given me a major identity crisis that keeps me up late at night. Screw you, Steak 'n Shake.
