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Saturday, May 25, 2024

Today, I finally became a woman. To be more, I became a Southern woman. I spent my day sampling teas, trying on clothing from boutiques, getting a ton of free womanly things such as pink TicTacs, and accidentally eating cookies meant for women who are breast feeding. Where was I able to do all these things? Why, the Southern Women's Show of course.

If anyone reading this is from Orlando, then I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. It comes every year, and middle aged women lose their minds over it. I'd never been, so when I came home for the weekend, my mom and I decided to check it out. While there, we met up with my best friend from high school who also happens to be temporarily disabled, making going through crowds of women very difficult. But also very entertaining. "Cripple coming through" was yelled frequently.

Basically, we walked around sampling things, browsing, and best of all, getting free stuff. Probably stuff that I'll never use again, but hey, free stuff is free stuff. And free stuff is always good. So we got our perfume samples, our tiny containers of Aveeno sunscreen, and even measuring spoons. Which was super convenient because I needed those anyways. I even got a free lunchbox. How cool is that?

Throughout the day there were shows. The first one we saw was a fashion show. Which ended up just being girls walking around in their bras in some of the ugliest clothing I'd ever seen. I may never understand the issue they had with tank tops. All their problems would have been solved if they tossed on a tank top under their capes and coats. You read right people, one girl had a cape on. It was very odd. They also had cooking shows. Professional chefs went on stage and made up a recipe, then when they finished we'd get to sample it. They made some good food, let me tell you. But all of these were put to shame when the last show of the day began.

It started with a woman. A woman who introduced a firefighter who went on to explain how his child was diagnosed with cancer and died at three months old. He said it only made him stronger though -- made him a better father to his perfectly healthy 3-year-old "princess". He was there representing St. Baldrick's foundation, which helps raise money for pediatric cancer research. How were they planning on doing this? Well, with stripping firefighters, of course.

The hundreds of middle aged women gathered, and broke out into excited screams as firefighters took the stage to songs like "I'm Sexy and I Know It", and for some reason "Man, I Feel Like A Woman". Their performances made me think that maybe, just maybe, they weren't all real firefighters. The more that went on, the more their dancing started to seem… professional. At first, it was innocent, just a little showing of their abs here and there. By the end, four of them had brought one lucky woman on stage, took their shirts off, and danced all up on her. To say that she was envied by all the other women there would be an understatement.

In the end though, they had raised quite a bit for St. Baldrick's- the one dollar bills were practically flying out of people's hands, and after this show we decided to leave. But I took with me the knowledge of what being a southern woman truly means. It means chocolate, tea, and plenty of ridiculously hot men taking off their clothing. The day was a success, and it's definitely something I think all women should check out. Just think of all the free stuff you'll get, and the weekend road trip to Orlando is entirely worth it. But most of all, think of the hot men you'll get to see strip.

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