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Sunday, November 28, 2021

We’re tired, Gator Nation. On top of last week’s abysmal, regrettable series of unfortunate events, the Spring semester has gone into full swing, and we’re tired. Oh so very, very tired. 

If we were a lesser publication or a mediocre comedian like, say, we don’t know, Larry the Cable Guy, we’d probably top this editorial off with a joke like, “You know you’re a UF student when you’re taking 15 credits, involved with 18 extracurriculars, and ya haven’t slept since Sunday!” *insert pained, canned audience laughter here*

But we’re not a lesser publication, and thankfully, we will never stoop to Larry the Cable Guy’s level. 

So, in the meantime, as we wipe away our tears and you settle in with our fine paper, please enjoy our somewhat witty take on the week that once was in this edition of …

Darts & Laurels

This week, liberals and pundits worked themselves into a tizzy over noted Tina Fey character Sarah Palin’s endorsement of the chatty, overflowing urinal and Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump. 

Many saw this as the moment when American stupidity achieved its glorious and bold singularity. Others saw a brave and courageous woman extending her hand to a strong, morally upright man.

To those who got outraged and posted memes mocking Palin and Trump on social media: What are you so upset about? Don’t you realize this is a good thing?! Let us explain — in 2008, Sarah Palin’s profound stupidity managed to single-handedly sink John McCain’s presidential ambitions. 

Her endorsement speaks to the narrow, limited demographic Trump is banking his presidency on. Palin’s endorsement is a reassurance, not a threat. 

Palin’s brief time on the Republican ticket is a potent reminder that, at the end of the day, no matter how pervasive American idiocy may be, common sense and decency usually trumps all.

For allowing us to sleep a little easier at night, Sarah Palin gets an AR-15 brandishing, moose-killin’ Laurel.

On Wednesday, it was announced that Jan. 20 was David Bowie Day in New York City. For those who don’t know, Bowie and his wife, Iman, were New Yorkers for several decades before his passing. 

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It is not clear whether all Jan. 20s going forward will be David Bowie Day, but they sure as hell should be. We’d go on about why this is the case, but we’ve belabored the subject as is over the last two weeks.

For respectfully acknowledging an artistic titan and a much-missed human being, the city of New York gets a Laurel.

A Laurel goes to the scientists who may or may not have discovered a ninth planet in our solar system. Although we’re still bitter over poor Pluto’s fall from grace, as always, science continues to amaze.

Last, but most certainly not least, Oregon Gov. Kate Brown reached out to the federal government Wednesday and asked for their help in ending the ongoing occupation by “armed protesters” in the state’s wildlife reserve. We think it’s about damn time. A Laurel for Kate Brown, and a Laurel for common sense.

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