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Thursday, May 23, 2024

Here we are, dear readers: the end of the first week of school. It feels like only a few short hours ago we were packing our bags and kissing our families goodbye as we ventured into the abyss of collegiate life. Time flies when you’re adding and dropping classes like there’s no tomorrow. For all of our new readers out there, welcome to the Friday version of our paper, where we survey the what’s going on in the world and either praise a story with a “laurel” or banish one forever with a “dart.” So get ready for our epic roast, our salty attitude gone wild, our Fall debut of…

Darts & Laurels

First things first, let’s touch on everyone’s go-to, man-crush-Monday piece of eye candy: Rush Limbaugh.

Last week, the radio-talk-show host responded to an effort by the Office of the Assistant Secretary of Civil Rights, a branch of the U.S. Department of Agriculture, to call attention to and provide an infrastructure for the LGBTQ+ community living in rural America.

This #RuralPride campaign is geared toward both changing the perception that the LGBTQ+ are a metropolis-only community and tackling the particular needs and vulnerabilities of the nearly 10 percent of LGBTQ+ people living in rural America, according to the campaign’s webpage. Sounds good, right?

Well, Rush, who also refers to himself as El Rushbo, definitely doesn’t think so. To #RuralPride, El Rushbo said, “They (the ‘Obama Regime’) are trying to bust up one of the last geographically conservative regions in the country; that’s rural America.”

If more lesbians end up farming alongside traditional farmers, what’s the problem? Lesbians are already all over your deleted porn history, Rush, so don’t act like this is some plague falling from the sky. And news flash: There are already LGBTQ+ living in rural America, and — guess what — some are already farmers. So, your precious rural America is in no danger of collapse.

We give a dart to El Rushbo for further stoking left-right hate by having his head so far up his own a--.

OK, now let’s talk about dildos. Progressive dildos. Social justice dildos. Students at the University of Texas at Austin took protest at the center of campus against Texas’ open-carry gun laws Wednesday by wielding and distributing another sort of firearm that’s actually illegal to carry on their campus: sex toys.

Rose Zander, a University of Texas at Austin student and organizer with the “Cocks Not Glocks” campaign told The Guardian, “We have crazy laws here but this is by far the craziest, that you can’t bring a dildo on to campus legally but you can bring your gun. We’re just trying to fight absurdity with absurdity.”

You see, dear readers, this is how you stage a protest: dildos armed at the ready. And we’re not exactly sure why a Texas university would be so adamant about banning items that resemble human genitals; Ted Cruz is the senator from Texas, and all of Congress considers him one of the biggest dicks on the Hill.

Granted, we Floridians aren’t much better off with our elected officials (This is why you have to get out and vote!). Anyway, we give a hard plastic laurel to the Cocks Not Glocks campaign and all of the University of Texas at Austin students working so hard to hold their officials accountable and keep their school gun-free.

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Who knew there could be more excitement to the first week of school than oversleeping past your first class or waiting for 5,000 years outside the advising office?

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