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Thursday, May 23, 2024

Not even two weeks into classes, and we get hit with Hermine, the first hurricane to hit Florida in 11 years. Maybe this is a sign we shouldn’t have come back to school to begin with? Or maybe Mother Nature is just sick of all the “Florida Man” stories and finally decided to pull the plug on our state altogether. Well, Florida, it was fun while it lasted. So as you curl up by the fireplace app on your smartphone and avoid the apocalypse going on outside today, please enjoy our roast of the week, our lighthearted musings, our stormy-day edition of…

Darts & Laurels

We at the Alligator normally do our absolute best to ignore any senseless “news” about the bankruptcy-prone oompa loompa we have running for president (R.I.P Gene Wilder), but he just did something that may mark the sign of the end of days: Donald Trump went to Mexico.

On Wednesday, he met and helped out at a press conference with Mexico President Enrique Peña Nieto, and the people of Mexico finally got the chance to give us a taste of our own medicine: “When America sends its politicians, they’re not sending their best. They’re bringing drugs; they’re bringing crime. They’re rapists. Some of them we assume are good people.”

Don’t worry, Mexico, we do have good politicians here; we just don’t let them become presidential nominees.

Now, to be honest, we’re torn on this one. We wanted to give Trump a pity laurel for making the trip and not saying anything too demoralizing. But then he had to screw it up during his rally in Phoenix, Arizona, just hours after the Mexico meeting by assuring his supporters Mexico will pay for his dumb wall: “They don’t know it yet, but they’re going to pay for it.” Take this dart. Get over the wall. It’s not going to help us. It’s a waste of time, energy and ink in this paper. Pink Floyd’s wall was better anyway.

In other news, Anthony Weiner. Last year, the former New York congressman decided the wiener in his name wasn’t enough and texted a pic of himself to an anonymous party, his crotch very, very apparent. Oh yeah, and his son’s face was in the picture, too.

Again, we’re a little torn. This story had blown up because Weiner’s wife, Huma Abedin, publicly stated her desire to separate from him, but it’s honestly kind of a stretch to call this a sexting scandal. And the subject of Weiner’s message was, “Someone just climbed into my bed,” likely referring to his son.

Now, if the message read, “Hey, it’s Weiner. Look at my wiener,” then we could call it a scandal. That being said, Weiner should know he’s the literally the poster child of sex scandals in American politics — second to Bill Cosby, of course. So we give a dart to Weiner for not being more mindful of his wiener. Though, we will also give him a laurel for giving the world proof that making stupid decisions with smartphones isn’t something exclusive to millennials. So many people like to give us s--- nowadays.

Last, but not least, Hermine. We’re not looking at a “The-Day-After-Tomorrow” situation here, but please don’t do anything too stupid or reckless. Stay safe, dear readers. Stay dry. Don’t be afraid to use this newspaper to plug any leaks or water seepage: Just make sure you read it first. Also, when in doubt, enjoy yourself some chocolate. R.I.P. Gene Wilder. R.I.P. Harambe. R.I.P. Tupac.

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