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Wednesday, January 26, 2022

You’re sitting on the edge of a river bank, staring intently into your reflection. Minnows swim in circles around the reflection of yourself. You feel the soft breeze blow across your face, rustling the leaves of the trees behind you. It sounds like the wind is whispering something. You turn around and try to listen. Unable to make it out, you turn back to look at your reflection. To your horrid surprise, it’s gone. You feel a slimy tap on your shoulder. It’s your reflection, wet and covered in minnows. “Darts & Laurels,” it says to you. Leaning closer and closer, it says one last time before disappearing…

Darts & Laurels

This election cycle is pretty icky. This, dear reader, is no secret. But the fact that all living presidents, on both sides of the aisle, are united in their political stance against the Don should speak volumes about his candidacy. A few days ago, former President George H. W. Bush, the former vice president to President Ronald Reagan, reportedly said he would be casting his vote for Hillary Clinton. If this is true, we present a laurel to former President Bush for having the courage to acknowledge his party’s absolute failure this election cycle and choosing his country over mere party affiliation.

Speaking of the former secretary of state, she recently appeared in Zach Galifianakis’ overwhelmingly funny, deadpan interview web series, “Between Two Ferns.” On it, Hillary takes jabs for being a woman, having an email account, fetching coffee as President Obama’s “secretary” and contracting pneumonia. More importantly, this episode represents either Clinton’s understanding of how to reach millennials, or one of her staffer’s. Regardless, we present a laurel to Hillary Clinton (and possibly her staffer) for being a good sport and letting Galifianakis spoof the bulls--- her opposition perpetuates.

Oh, sports. Here at the Alligator, we love sports and we don’t care who knows. This Saturday, your Florida Gators are looking to defend their 11-game winning streak against the Tennessee Volunteers of the University of Tennessee in Knoxville and advance it to 12. For no other reason other than the fact that we can, we present a dart to the state of Tennessee — a state that legally allows whales to be shot out of your car window, despite Tennessee being landlocked.

Maybe they made the law to be cheeky. Maybe they didn’t. But one thing is for certain about whales: There’s no better place to be a whale right now than in California. A little more than a week ago, California Gov. Jerry Brown signed legislation into law that prohibits an individual or corporation from breeding orcas, as well as terminating the ability for corporations like SeaWorld to perform orca shows. We present unto Gov. Jerry Brown a laurel for promoting animal welfare.

Animal welfare is a hot-topic discussion these days. On Wednesday, the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service proposed that we promote (or demote, depending on your view) the adorable rusty patch bumble bee to the status of endangered. With bee species all over the U.S. declining in the last 20 years, the bumble bee was the first to sadly make the cut. Bumble bees bring in, on average, $3.5 billion to the U.S. every year. This yellow-and-black-striped dart is thrown at all of those who deny the overwhelming evidence of climate change, the dangers it poses to our beautiful flowers and its imminent threat to take away our prized honey.

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