Site: Razorback Stadium (cap: 72,000)
Kickoff: 3:30 p.m.
TV/Radio: CBS/Gators IMG Sports Network
All right, we’ll let you behind the scenes.
Ever wonder how all of our football stories end up in this newspaper every Monday?
It doesn’t happen by accident.
We here at the Alligator, out of the goodness of our hearts, travel to each football game the Florida Gators play, enduring free food and an air-conditioned seat in a press box to watch a game for three hours to give YOU the coverage you need.
Nay, the coverage you deserve.
This week’s game, in Fayetteville, Arkansas, is 14 hours away.
And boy, are we excited for this car ride.
To give our readers an idea of just how long 14 hours is, we’ve broken it down in terms college students can understand.
A 14 hour drive is equivalent to...
- At least 2.5 drunken frat parties.
- Binging 28 episodes of The Office on Netflix.
- Walking from the Reitz Union to Ben Hill Griffin Stadium 105 times.
- If you’re a journalism major, 13 hours longer than you’ve studied for exams so far this semester.
- If you’re an engineering major, 172 hours less than you’ve studied for exams so far this semester.
- The amount of time Pokemon Go was popular for.
- The amount of total sleep you average during finals week.
You get the picture.
Debating this week’s decision on whether or not to drive to Arkansas for this week’s game are sports writers Patrick Pinak and Ethan Bauer.
Not driving to Arkansas wins because...
Look, Fayetteville is some 1,000 miles away from Gainesville. That’s like the equivalent of a light year to college students. No one wants to jam their legs inside a Toyota Corolla for 15 hours just to see another humdrum road game reminiscent of UF’s 13-6 win at Vanderbilt. A first-class plane ticket on the other hand? Now we’re talking.
-Patrick Pinak
Driving to Arkansas wins because…
To combat Patrick, I tried to find interesting things to do in Arkansas. I found Little Rock Central High School, the Clinton Presidential Center and the Walmart Museum. And I think those invigorating Arkansas attractions speak for themselves.
-Ethan Bauer
Now, onto the picks!
In sole possession of first place for the first time this season with a record of 37-33-1 is the Gainesville Sun’s Graham “I could’ve been an NFL quarterback, bro” Hall, who takes the time to show off his #MadSpiralSkillz with the pigskin each Tuesday as reporters wait to talk to football players after practice. We’ll humor you, Graham — a starting quarterback job could still be in your future. How does one man generate such sheer velocity on a football while wearing flip-flops? Get that recruiting tape out to some colleges, ASAP.
In second place with a record of 36-34-1 is sports writer Ian “Consistency is Key” Cohen, who patted himself on the back Thursday afternoon after achieving his third-straight D on a recent exam. Consistency may be important, Ian, but usually not when something is consistently bad. Let's just hope your stories are better than your test scores.
Next is a two-way tie for third place with records of 34-36-1.
First is GatorCountry.com’s Nick “Thankless” De La Torre, who suggested to UF offensive line coach Mike Summers that being an offensive lineman is a "thankless award." You know what's really thankless? How no one gives you credit for downing all those protein shakes every day.
Next is sports writer Ethan “Chin Lover” Bauer, who, upon getting up-close and personal with Florida defensive lineman Jordan Sherit in an interview on Tuesday, was blown away at the size of Sherit’s chin. “Jordan Sherit is the real-life Crimson Chin,” Bauer yelled in jubilation. “It’s huge!” Hey, Cleft the Boy Chin Wonder, we’re just glad you went with a cartoon reference that didn’t include Spongebob.
In fifth place with a record of 33-37-1 is sports writer Patrick “Wrong Team” Pinak, who did an absolutely horrible job of trying to jump on the Chicago Cubs' bandwagon on Thursday when he showed up to class in an Aroldis Chapman Cincinatti Reds jersey. Come on, man. That's so 2015.
In sixth place with a record of 31-39-1 is the Orlando Sentinel’s Edgar “Donkey Kong” Thompson, who thought a media member was playing that game in the press box at EverBank Field last week after his phone wouldn’t stop going off for several minutes. Hey Edgar, Donkey Kong first came out in 1981. Maybe use a reference all of us millennials understand.
We have a two-way tie for dead-ass last with a piss-poor record of 30-40-1.
First is 247Sports.com’s Thomas “Injury Guy” Goldkamp, the one media member who constantly asks coach Jim McElwain for an injury report, who found that the tables were turned this week when he didn’t show up to football media, presumably because he was out with an injury. Ahh, the irony.
Next is sports writer Jordan “Is That You?!” McPherson, who, upon coming into the office Thursday after shaving his beard earlier in the week, was almost unrecognizable to a sports copy editor. It’s crazy how one person can shave (pun intended) four years off their life by trimming a beard and suddenly look like a freshman again.
