Ever since I broke up with my boyfriend of nearly a year last summer, relatively amicably, we've had zero contact. We live in different cities, neither of us are active on social media and we have no mutual friends. As a result, I have absolutely no idea what's going on in his life. He might have moved to Mars, for all I know.
Although I'm not interested in rekindling a romance, I can't help but be curious about what he's up to from a platonic perspective. I assumed he'd eventually reach out and check in, but as the months have gone by, I've begun to accept that might not happen.
Should I check up on him via text? Or should I accept that we simply aren't part of each others' lives anymore and leave contact lines severed?
Signed,
Curious Ex
We all know breakups are messy. They often go against our instinct to hold onto comfort. What might seem simple actually hides a web of complex emotions, the leftovers of intense connections. Time allows us to grow from then to now. Whenever I offer relationship advice, I always preface it by saying, “I am not, nor was I, in your relationship,” which prevents me from fully understanding the situation. Trust me, my opinion is usually clear and sharp, but I never wish to impose upon something beyond my range of knowledge. So, with that out of the way, I’ll tell you what I think.
We never stop caring for those who have colored our lives, and the memories we share don’t disappear with their absence. So, it's completely normal to wish to learn how your ex-boyfriend is faring in this new stage of his life. You can accept that you no longer have the same role you used to have in his life, while also reaching out to satisfy your curiosity. The key to this is making sure that by reaching out, you are not opening a door. Would that text kick up the dust that is still settling?
Although you do not want to rekindle the romance, in the digital age, we are taught to interpret anything as everything. You might text a seemingly harmless “How are you?” but depending on how he is dealing with the aftermath, he could read that differently. These are just things to think about. Speculation will not predict all the outcomes. Consider how this conversation might impact you. Speaking from personal experience, I do a darn good job at convincing myself I’m over something. Most of the time, I am not, and I just end up going back to reread the old chapters of my life. If this is the case for you, I would avoid reaching out, at least for now.
You don’t have to slam the door shut on him. I proposed these questions as they allow for some productive self-reflection. Yet, to contradict myself and for that I apologize, I believe we should think less. Whenever I talk to my mom about relationship issues, she shuts down my musings and tells me our generation thinks too much. My knee-jerk reaction is to scoff. What does she know? But I have grown to understand her point. We are never going to experience life and build real connections with our peers and communities if we are constantly policing ourselves.
By texting him to check up, you are validating what you meant to each other. It always feels fantastic to be in someone's thoughts, to feel remembered. If you want to text him and the relationship ended with minimal to no fallout, follow your instincts. Find a compromise between your brain and heart. If all else fails, write a pros and cons list. They are a simple yet effective way to map outcomes.
I cannot tell you what the best course of action would be. You are the one who has to make that choice. Like I said before, I was not in the relationship. I do not understand your dynamic. So, take a moment and think about what you really want to know and sleep on it. If in the morning, the itch lingers, scratch it.
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Alejandra Agustin is a 21-year-old UF English and anthropology senior.
