As a young feminist, I have often touted my independence. I mean, that’s what I should be, right? Independent? A woman on my own with nothing and no one to hold me back from my goals? For a while, I considered independence as the key to my success. And, to be honest, I didn’t mind that. That is, however, until I noticed an unsettling link between independence and loneliness.
Although they are not synonymous, the difference between independence and loneliness is near microscopic.
Independence, as it is used in this sense, can usually be defined as being free from the control of others or a detachment from any larger controlling entity. Being alone simply means a person is separated from others or is considered without reference to other people. When considering the terms by their definitions, it is easy to see why people consider them to be fundamentally connected. However, this is a rash misinterpretation that commonly plagues the outlooks of independent women.
Many young women, including myself, have been told time and time again, “it’s lonely at the top.” It’s a supposedly reassuring trope we replay over and over again to justify our lack of meaningful relationships. It has become an excuse we use to make us feel better about the fact that we’ve regularly rejected date proposals and stopped ourselves before getting too emotionally invested in a romantic relationship. It’s what we say when we end another close friendship, and it’s our mantra to repeat when we rationalize missing another family gathering. It’s worth it as long as we find success, right?
This motto, despite its ultimate goal of comfort, has served as one of the main reasons that I, as well as many other young feminists, have grown up believing independence and success cannot be achieved without also feeling lonely. This assumption has tormented my happiness for many years. That is, until I realized the need for a new understanding of independence.
Being independent doesn’t mean you can’t have best friends to go to when you’re struggling. It doesn’t mean you can’t enter romantic relationships and relish the idea of a date night with your significant other. It doesn’t mean you should feel guilty calling your mom to complain about school or avoid asking your dad for some extra money for groceries because you’re running low on cash. Independence doesn’t mean you have to face life alone, it just means you are confident enough to know if you had to, you would be just fine doing it by yourself.
The notion that strong women have to go through life and all of its challenges alone is not only wrong but can be toxic to their mental health and well-being. When you break down the term, independence literally means a lack of dependence — it means you’re not dependent on anyone, not that you can’t accept emotional support or maintain healthy relationships when they are available.
To me, being independent means that while I value my relationships with others and often rely on my friends and family when times get hard, I know if I had to do things on my own, I could. I’m not relying on them for my happiness, my livelihood or my success. As important as it is to create your own happiness, it’s even more important to let people in and allow them to help you grow and succeed.
I argue it is time we stop feeding young women the lie that independence, as it is typically understood, is the key to success. Instead, we need to start teaching them not to rely on others and to understand the importance of internal security. Further, we need to stop linking the concepts of loneliness and independence and start allowing people to live their life to the fullest and to find success in all aspects of it, rather than making them chose between professional domination and emotional bliss.
Abigail Miller is a UF journalism and political science senior. Her column appears on Fridays.
