Having a rough day? Well, look on the bright side: At least you didn't find out that your new wife or husband is your twin, thus making your romance about as incestuous as is incestuously possible. Say that three times fast. I know that's ridiculous, but it also happens to be horrifyingly based on fact.
Do you ever reach a point in life you when you just know things have changed? Like one day, all of a sudden, you realize you're an adult? It's not like you start misplacing your keys or using phrases like "cool beans." It's this creepy onset of maturity that just smacks you in the soul. Age has overcome me. But I should be ready by now. I've been given almost 21 years to prepare.
Water, water everywhere, and not a drop to drink.
As we venture into 2008, the déjà vu is becoming a bit ridiculous. Or perhaps what is really ridiculous is the reality that many citizens seem blissfully oblivious or inexplicably unconcerned about how the events of recent memory have paralleled almost perfectly with some from the past.
If you still have not received your copy of the latest issue of "Alcoholism: Clinical and Experimental Research" in the mail, allow me to give you an exciting sneak peek at what academics are doing to stem the advancing tide of beer in the United States. Get ready.
On Monday morning, June 4, 1990, Dr. Jack Kevorkian waited alone in his rusted Volkswagen van, parked at a remote campsite an hour outside Detroit. In the back, he'd rigged a makeshift bed next to a contraption that looked like a junior high shop project gone bad - three bottles dangling from hooks screwed into a piece of wood. Around 10 a.m., Kevorkian's two sisters arrived at the campsite with a 54-year-old woman from Portland, Ore., named Janet Adkins. Adkins, in the early stages of Alzheimer's disease, had flown to Detroit the day before for her "appointment."
A study from a Canadian university earlier this month estimated the U.S. pharmaceutical industry spends almost twice as much on promotions as it does on research and development, contrary to the industry's claim.
You can always tell when a semester really kicks into gear. Yes, it's that time again - the biannual underage drinking crackdown.
So you've resigned yourself to this? Reporting? Really?
While high-school seniors all over the country are struggling to achieve nothing less than a 4.0 to get into their top-choice university, the star quarterback of their graduating class is receiving a full ride to wherever his heart desires. Admissions officers don't even glance at his grade point average.
I feel misrepresented. I feel cheated. It's downright wrong.
At last, another one of the Bush administration's foreign policy blunders has been placed under scrutiny: the protection of Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf at all costs. I'm willing to bet that most Americans hadn't even heard Benazir Bhutto's name until she was assassinated, let alone had known that she was Pakistan's prime minister under a power-sharing agreement with Musharraf that the Bush administration orchestrated.
There are two kinds of people in the world: those who lose their cell phones and those who do not.
So UF President Bernie Machen got almost ,300,000 in bonuses from the UF Foundation right before Christmas. It was approved by the UF Board of Trustees.
I would like to take this opportunity to clear up any issues raised in Monday's Alligator article and editorial regarding fees.
"The time has come," the Walrus said, "to talk of many things: of shoes and ships and sealing wax, of cabbages and Wikipedia."
Recently, I was sprawled out on my couch, flipping channels and minding my own business, when I came across a program on The History Channel that freaked me out of my sloth-like daze. The television program I am referring to was, of course, about the apocalypse.
Just how radical is Ron Paul?
Shame on the news industry. You've been very naughty, and I'm sending you to your room without any new celebrity drunken-driving stories, outrageously priced politician haircut stories or developments on the latest celebrity divorces.
Do you know what Mitt Romney ate for lunch the other day? Do you really care?
Solutions by The State News
