As college students of the 21st century, we’re stuck in that weird place between a longing for nostalgia and anticipation of tomorrow’s technology via futurism. Perhaps one of the most hysterical and disturbingly beautiful products of this emotionally grappling crossroad is Simpsonwave.
On Sunday, the Dakota Access pipeline saga finally came to an end.
You’re sitting in the doctor’s office, waiting with anticipation for Dr. Pepper to come in to treat you. After what feels like an eternity, he finally knocks on the door and lets himself in. “So, you’ve been cut in half. Vertically. How you were even able to do anything apart from bleed out on the floor, let alone get up, schedule a doctor’s appointment and attend this appointment, is nothing short of a miracle. Frankly, everything I know about medicine has been undermined by your survival.” You stare blankly at him, then despite your larynx literally being severed in half, manage to shout out “God damn it Doc, speak English! How much time do I have left to live?” Shocked you’re even able to reply, he stutters, “A few minutes, I think? Once again, you’ve literally been split down the middle.” “Oh thank God,” you mutter, spitting blood everywhere. “Just enough time to read the only thing worth living for,
Perhaps one of the most famous (and offensive) myths perpetuated by financial conservatives is that all of those who receive government assistance in the form of welfare checks or food stamps are either lazy, addicted to drugs and alcohol or both. Today, we are going to evaluate how absurd and ignorant this view is.
Tuesday morning (at 6:55 a.m. to be exact), early riser and esteemed tweeter President-elect Donald Trump turned his attention toward those who seek to make political statements via flag burning. “Nobody should be allowed to burn the American flag – if they do, there must be consequences – perhaps loss of citizenship or year in jail!” the tweet read. Before we go any further on the implications of this tweet, know these things: In 1989, the US Supreme Court ruled that flag burning is a protected practice under the First Amendment. Additionally, we here at the Alligator in no way condone flag burning. We will continue to point out the many things this country has to improve on, and we will always do our best to point out injustices where we see fit. However, that flag symbolizes more to us than a collection of our shortcomings, and we cannot condone such a behavior.
On Thanksgiving, it is custom to sit at the table with those you feel most connected to in your life and be grateful for the simple things. When we sit down at that dinner table, surrounded by good food and better company, we remind ourselves to be thankful for the little things: a good meal, our health and togetherness. As soon as the meal is complete, another great American tradition begins: Black Friday shopping.
Years ago, Wolfgang Kohler conducted a psychological study in which several monkeys were placed in a cage together with a single piece of food at the top of the cage. The monkeys were fed regularly, but if one of those monkeys attempted to climb up stairs and touch the food, the researchers would spray all the monkeys with ice water. The monkeys were eventually conditioned to never go up that high to retrieve the piece of food.
“No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man.” — Heraclitus
Perhaps one of our favorite American traditions is the National Thanksgiving Turkey Presentation. At this ceremony, the president of the U.S. is presented a live Broad Breasted White turkey. Here, the POTUS pardons the turkey from his death sentence, otherwise to be served scrumptiously next to some mashed potatoes and cranberry sauce.
It’s a quiet November afternoon. The air is crisp, the sun is going down, and you’re sitting on your porch drinking some iced tea while reading The Independent Florida Alligator. You’re about to flip the page and make it to the Opinions Section when Lassie, the neighbor’s son’s dog, comes running up and starts barking at you. “What’s that, Lassie?” you ask while standing up, clutching the paper. Lassie continues to bark. “Timmy fell down the well?!” you exclaim, “that’s the third time this month, right?” Lassie barks quickly, confirming your suspicion of Timmy’s predictable recklessness. Hurriedly, you run over to the well, paper in hand. “Help, Mister! I can’t swim!” you hear him gurgle while he splashes about within a manageable arms reach. “Yeah, sucks to suck, Lassie. I’m about to hit page six of The Alligator, and not even your bloodcurdling cries for help can stop me from reading my favorite Alligator feature…
On Oct. 10, we ran an editorial titled “Is Trump a modern-day Hitler?” We concluded at the end of the piece that the answer was “not really” but that Trump and his cronies are “blurring that line more and more every day.”
Be warned, dear reader. This editorial contains many spoilers for Marvel’s latest movie, “Dr. Strange.”
As an educational institution, UF pursues justified, true beliefs. We strive to get as close to the truth as possible. To do this, we employ a healthy dose of rational skepticism; we critically analyze all claims, and every theory must contain an element of falsifiability.
With the election slowly fading back into our national collective memory, we feel it necessary to spur a discussion about our democracy. We wish to remind our readers that democracy is more complex than formal electoral processes. It is a complex and informal grid of unwritten, collective ideologies smashing together, breaking apart and reforming anew. When Donald Trump won, it really symbolized a total breakdown of a political machine — similar to the Brexit vote. We now have the opportunity to rebuild it. We can rebuild it as a total fascist movement or we can rebuild it with a fresh start.
“In matters of style, swim with the current; in matters of principle, stand like a rock.” – Thomas Jefferson
You’re sitting in the driver’s seat of your ol’ beat-up Chevy, parked at the edge of the hill overlooking the city. He’s looking as gorgeous as ever, illuminated by the twinkling lights of the town. “The city looks beautiful from here,” you whisper to him “but not as beautiful as you.” You lean in for the kiss, and he meets you there. “I’ve never done this before,” he giggles nervously as he crawls into the back seat. “Yeah, me neither,” you whisper to yourself as you turn around and look at him. He’s smiling, waving one finger your way, silently telling you to join him. You’re about to crawl back there, but you spot a copy of the Alligator on your dashboard. “Not tonight,” you say to the guy you love, who’s been waiting a whole year for this moment. “I’ve got to read…
While we do live in an age of nostalgia, dear reader, there are some points of our childhoods that are best left untouched. If you’re a grown man and you bring a glove to a baseball game, we need to talk. If you put ketchup on your eggs, perhaps it would be best not to eat eggs in the first place. Most notably, if you dip your pizza into ranch dressing, please go find a hole somewhere on campus — there are plenty with the construction going on — and sit in it until you are ready to recognize the error of your ways.
On Monday, our editorial covered a very touchy topic. We decided to evaluate how a beloved TV show, “Bob’s Burgers,” was able to create a genuinely funny autistic character. It flirted with notions of comedic permissibility and how to identify that thin line between funny and disrespectful.
Perhaps one of the greatest challenges a humorist must face is making jokes on topics that are extremely personal. In times of heightened sensitivity, this challenge only becomes more difficult. Although jokes about things people can’t change are always dangerous territory for comedians, there’s one show on television right now that confronts autism in a way that is delicate, respectful and downright hilarious.
You can’t believe you’re getting your first tattoo. It’s the one you’ve always thought about getting. The infinity sign with Chinese characters in one loop and barbed wire in the other. “All right, that about does it,” the artist says as he reaches to get a mirror. He holds up the mirror behind you, and you can’t believe what you’re going to have to live with for the rest of your life. It’s not the infinity sign with Chinese characters and barbed wire in it. It’s just two words and an ampersand in between. Every time you take your shirt off and someone’s behind you, they’ll politely pretend to ignore the tattoo big with bold lettering that reads…
Solutions by The State News
