Would somebody please tell me why, on Gore's green earth, Sen. John Kerry is coming to UF?
The ex-presidential candidate is about as current as my busted 4-gig iPod mini and about as in touch as our busted president, George W. Bush.
Those people at Accent really know how to pick 'em, don't they?
The Democratic senator from Massachusetts will be at the University Auditorium on Sept. 17 for a "town hall forum." Pick up your very, very free tickets today - that is, if you can stand the sight of Kerry's face, not to mention the sound of his voice.
Well, it doesn't matter because he's coming at noon on a Monday, which means you will probably be doing something else, like - oh, I don't know - going to class. At least the midday talk will be convenient for Kerry, who'll be served a hardy helping of his own words for lunch.
The show isn't costing UF anything because acting senators can't be paid for speeches. I wonder, is there any way we can we pay this guy to stay in Washington, D.C.? Then I'll know my Activity and Service Fees are going to a good cause at last.
Maybe we tried to pay him off already, but then Kerry donated a portion of his wife's ketchup fortune to UF. I think acting senators are allowed to do that during a non-election year.
I suggest we all go down there and ask the veteran senator some tough questions like, "Do you know anybody else in Congress who we could talk to?"
How about John Edwards? You guys go way back, right? He's running for president. We could vote for him. How about Mel Martinez or Bill Nelson? You know, the senators from Florida? We can vote for those guys, too.
Now, that's not to say we only want to hear from people who we can vote for - we just don't want to hear from Kerry.
When he stood us up on March 23 for a vote in the Senate, we should have given thanks and moved on with our lives.
But Accent, in its painfully finite wisdom, insists on bringing Kerry back. Whether or not he'll be back from the dead is yet to be determined.
Accent hasn't even attached any specific topic or controversy to Kerry's speech. I think I'd rather tune in to C-SPAN, where I can get picture-in-picture.
But I kid Accent only because I love. I was a member of the Student Government agency during my freshman year at UF. I remember at our first staff meeting, we went around the room suggesting potential speakers for the year. We didn't get any of them to come to UF, but at least we all felt like we had a part in the matter.
Accent claims to be the largest student-run speaker's bureau in the nation, which makes for a fantastic blurb on resumes.
But I'd rather have the one speaker's bureau in the nation with the best speakers, and I hope I'm not alone.
Staff applications were due Aug. 31, so who knows what we're in for this semester. The Accent Web site doesn't have any clues about this fall's speakers, but according to The Gainesville Sun, "euthanasia advocate Dr. Jack Kevorkian will get ,50,000 for an upcoming visit."
Maybe Kevorkian could come with me to see Kerry next week - just in case I can't take it.
Vincent Massaro is a senior majoring in journalism. His column appears on Mondays.
