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Wednesday, April 24, 2024

Here at the Darts & Laurels department, we realize that our most recent editions have been a bit, let's say, deficient when it comes to laurels. But this week we promise that we will make an effort to be more positive.

And it's not that hard because we finally made it. The weeklong celebration that spring is so close we can almost feel the sand beneath our toes.

While many have already hit the highways headed to the beach to booze it up, we at Darts & Laurels stuck around just a little bit longer to reward those who actually had to come to campus with this week's edition of …

We can't start without offering up a thank-God-you're-finally-here LAUREL to Spring Break itself. What other time in our lives will it ever be socially acceptable for us to cease doing anything productive for an entire week and not wear anything more than a swimsuit? Whether you're headed to a small Mexican city with a more-than-liberal drinking age, or not doing anything much at all, you can't disagree with honoring the spirit of living it up while we still can.

And for those who will try to keep everything under control while we completely lose ours, we continue this positive kick by giving a somebody-has-to-be-the-responsible-one LAUREL to the Florida Highway Patrol. Starting last week, its Operation Safe Break includes an increase in troopers on interstates and state roads, paid for by special overtime funding from the Legislature.

Any measures taken to make sure all of us return to class next week should be commended.

But, unfortunately, from the looks of the state Senate this week, some people won't be making it back to Tallahassee at all. The as-if-higher-education-didn't-have-enough-problems DART goes to the Senate Committee on Education Pre-K-12 for voting unanimously for a proposed constitutional amendment that would strip the Board of Governors of most of its university oversight power and reinstate an elected education commissioner.

If this third major reorganization of the state university system in just the past decade comes into reality, we fear the worst is yet to come for public universities.

While many of us were dragging through midterm exams and papers just to make it to this sweet, sweet Friday, someone decided to buy themselves a little more time to cram. A why-don't-you-just-suck-it-up-and-not-make-it-worse-for-everyone-else DART goes to whoever called in the bomb threat to the Florida Gym on Tuesday.

Though the perpetrator does deserve some kudos for actually finding a working pay phone in 2008, it's actually worse to extend an exam over Spring Break, especially if you factor in that you will probably have to re-learn everything come Sunday night. Not to mention that whole wasting taxpayer money and scaring people for no reason thing.

Finally, the more obscure what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-you DART goes to PGA Tour golfer Tripp Isenhour for killing a protected migratory hawk with a golf shot in Orlando while filming a video segment for the show "Shoot Like A Pro."

Apparently, the red-shouldered hawk was making noise and interrupting the taping, so the golfer decided to murder it. And here we were thinking that golf was a non-contact sport.

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Maybe they should change the name of the show to "Shoot Like a Deranged Psycho."

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