It’s finally here.
We’ve managed our way through another eight months of coffee-crazed exam crams, beer-ponging weeknight tournaments, Turlington-flier frenzy, bowl-winning whirlwind of a year in our tiny swamp-turned-oasis in the heart of camo country.
So before all you five-star students get down to studying for your last batch of exams for the year, or possibly ever, let us present you with a where-the-hell-have-we-been-while-this-year-flew-by-besides-drunkenly-falling-off-our-chairs-at-Mother’s-after-downing-buckets-of-beers-on-a-Wednesday-night edition of ...
Darts & Laurels
And at UF, eight months is enough time to redefine and recreate the meaning of crazy so much that we’ve completely forgotten what happened during our first semester this year.
So, for that, we’d like to send a we-know-there-must-have-been-an-important-football-game-in-there-somewhere-but-too-much-crazy-has-happened-this-semester-to-remember LAUREL. to the months of September through January.
But as much as it pains us to search our brains through the wreckage that is finals week, we do remember a certain “Love Story” at MTV’s VMAs way back in September.
Seven months ago, our favorite “Heartless” star we love to hate, Kanye West, stole the stage from teeny, tiny, just-kidding-she’s-actually-a-giant Taylor Swift.
For not minding your manners, and finally breaking down about the lack of them on Oprah, we’re throwing a huge, I’m-sorry-Kanye-but-this-was-some-of-the-craziest-nutjob-news-of-all-time DART to Kanye West.
And while we’re discussing crazy, nutjob news, we hope you all have read the adorable profile of our beloved commander in chief on our final front page of the semester.
No, even that “Million Dollar Baby” smile and those even-Samson-would-be-jealous blond locks of love could save our leader from making the news this semester.
During a drunken debauchery-decorated evening, the University Police Department cited Student Government President Jordan Johnson with disorderly conduct.
It happens. We all get a little loud when we’re plastered. But this isn’t going where you think it is.
We’re throwing a thank-God-someone-can-put-SNAP-in-its-place-and-threaten-it-with-cutting-its-expletive-funding LAUREL around that adorable face of our beloved J.J.
Because who really needs that whole free-rides-for-students-on-campus-who-fear-getting-raped program anyway?
As Earth Day approaches Thursday, we wonder why so many people want to celebrate Mother Nature — the same woman who ravaged the world this year.
Let’s talk about this broad for a second, and keep in mind it’s only April.
She ravaged tiny Haiti, sent tremors across Chile soon after (Haiti totally stole Chile’s thunder), flooded the Northeast, froze all our strawberries and sent all kinds of ash and smoke all across Europe from that Icelandic volcano no one can spell (we didn’t even care to try).
For that, we’d like to throw one big stop-freaking-out-on-all-of-us-because-this-must-be-a-sign-Fred-Phelps-was-right-and-God-is-really-punishing-us-for-all-these-gays-all-over-the-place DART at Mother Nature.
And with that, we’d like to leave you until the summer with the reminder to not piss off UPD officers because they might shoot you in the face with a rifle.
