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Tuesday, January 25, 2022

Whoever said boys don’t cry obviously didn’t talk to old Benny.

Meeting with a group of sexual abuse victims Sunday, a teary-eyed Pope Benedict XVI told eight previously fondled and molested victims the church would seek justice and implement more effective measures to protect cute little boys from pedophile priests in the future.

Is it just us, or have “pedophile” and “priest” become nearly synonymous? Didn’t think we would say it? Well, we did.

We also think it’s a little late to be praying with these abuse victims while you offer your sincerest condolences, Benny.

Perhaps you should have prayed for these boys when you were actively covering up the now almost ritualistic series of sexual abuse scandals during your time as Prefect for the Doctrine of the Faith.

And we think it’s a little late for those tears, too. We can even imagine Jesus telling you to cut it out and be a man.

Although we were not privileged enough to meet secretly with you — or rather unprivileged enough to first be sexually assaulted by one of your priests and then meet secretly with you 30 years later — we can say actions speak louder than words.

And no amount of sad, puppy-dog eyes glistening with big, Catholic, need-the-Shroud-of-Turin-to-mop-up, Mary-Magdalene-is-even-calling-you-a-pansy, Vatican-sized tears will reverse the pain and shame these men feel. We appreciate you finally acknowledging your institution’s wrongdoing. And we use “doing” liberally here, but it’s all much too late.

So, Benny, if you’re listening, suck it up, blow your nose, make some substantial changes in the regulatory proceedings for priesthood and, for God’s sake, punish these pedophiles who are forever tarnishing your religion. Because the man upstairs is getting cranky.

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