“I just wanna get laid,” lamented one of the characters in “Wet Hot American Summer.”
Don’t we all?
Summer is nearly upon us, and as such, I’ll cover some of the types of summer sex so you can have your own wet, hot, maybe-American summer.
1. The “I’m entering the real world in two weeks” hook-up
Consider the few weeks in between your last exam and your farewell to Gainesville as the last weeks of your youth, and it’s required that you have sex a few more times before graduation. This is the last time your body will ever be this attractive — and the last time it’s socially acceptable to get with a college freshman. Try to get it in a few more times before you actually have to figure out how health insurance works or what a 401(k) is.
2. The “I’m so fancy at this big internship I landed” hook-up
You’ve finally landed an internship that requires you to buy sensible heels or a suit that you didn’t wear to your middle-school dance. Your quasi-adult situation will make you feel mature. You’ll go out one night, order a scotch and gag as you drink it. You’ll think to yourself, “Adults can have responsible, casual sex!” and you’ll go home with the slightly older person next to you who says they work for a startup and can help you network. The sex isn’t great, but it’s worth it for the contacts.
3. The “I’m in a foreign country where the drinking age is 18” hook-up
You’ll fall for the first person who looks exotic or has a sultry accent. You’ll ask them to talk dirty to you in their native tongue. Other countries are often more liberal about sex, and your new friend may even be into some things too kinky for America — hello, there’s a reason the Eiffel Tower position is named after a foreign landmark.
4. The “If you couldn’t tell by my Instagram, I’m at a music festival” hook-up
Your inhibitions will be a lot lower, and in a fog — and I mean a literal fog of marijuana smoke — of confusion, you’ll choose to get with some stranger in flannel or cutoff shorts. Neither of you has showered in three days, and both of you are sunburned, so the sex is painful, but the mind-altering drugs you’re on will make it memorable. Plus, you have some killer background music, and there’s something romantic about doing it in a tent next to thousands of other people. The fling will be short-lived, though — they want to see Chromeo, but you sneer and head to the stage for Neutral Milk Hotel.
5. The “Being home is so great because my mom can cook for me again” hook-up
Presumably, if you’re back in your hometown for the summer, you’re staying with your parents. In that case, every night is a Throwback Thursday, reminding you of old high school memories of trying to hook up in your bedroom without your parents finding out, and probably without both partners’ braces getting caught on each other. You’ll see the same people you went to high school with, so no matter how hard you try, you will most likely hook up with an old flame. Hopefully you’ve learned a few new tricks at the good old U of F, or else it’ll be just as awkward as it was in high school.
6. The “I can’t believe I’m stuck in Gainesville for the summer” hook-up
And then there’s us sad souls. This will be my first summer here, and when I asked people what it’s like in Gainesville over the off-months, most people just gave me a pitying look. We have a few things on our side, though. We get to be the first group to give the old “college welcome” to the incoming freshmen. And if you’re really desperate, there are ACRs here year-round. Your standards can dip a little — with no one else here to see your choice in booty call, it’s OK if you settle for a 6 instead of an 8.
We promise not to tell.
[Robyn Smith is a UF journalism sophomore. Her columns appear on Mondays. A version of this column ran on page 6 on 4/21/2014 under the headline "Summertime wantonness: Six hookup types"]
