I cannot stand my roommate's girlfriend. I can barely tolerate her, and she is always joining our friend group uninvited. None of our mutual friends like her either, and we don't know how to break the news to my roommate. The girlfriend thinks we all like her, and my roommate thinks we all like her, too. But this is far from the truth. How do we break the news to my roommate without jeopardizing our friendship?
Signed,
Frustrated Roommate
The most defining relationships we have in college are with our roommates. These are the people who see us through our worst days when the world weighs too heavy on our shoulders. They also hold us up and cheer for us on our best days, when the sun shines into our shared home just right.
So, I understand your situation. I’ve lived through it. When we decide to live with someone, we do not anticipate their partner will also take emotional residence in the home. The gap between the expectation and the reality of cohabitation creates a cyclone of disappointment that grows the more we stew in silence.
You don’t have to like your roommate’s girlfriend, but you do have to respect their relationship. You also have to respect yourself and your own feelings. To be blunt, any conversation about a friend’s significant other’s flaws will cause awkwardness, misunderstandings and maybe even resentment. We tend to think that people’s opinions of our partners also reflect on us, making it hard for us to see other’s perspectives on the person we love.
You need to take some actions to alleviate the pressure of performing.
First, you must set a boundary with your roommate. You say she joins in on plans uninvited, which I know must throw off the dynamics already established within the friend group. Sit your roommate down, and make it clear that some plans are for friends only. We can miss the people we see everyday. You cannot cut their girlfriend out of your life, as you share a living space, but you can increase your roommate’s individual participation. For example, create a standing date for a drink once every week with just the roommates. That will allow you to spend some time together, while also lessening the girlfriend’s impact on your relationship.
My second piece of advice is adopting a stance of neutrality. Oftentimes, I tried to compensate for my dislike of someone by being overly nice. But my behavior came off as artificial and made my kindness seem malicious. Instead of keeping up the charade of friendship, be kind without giving her any expectations for more. Take a mental Alka-Seltzer to neutralize your opinions towards her. It becomes easier when you do not have to monitor and edit yourself for someone else.
Lastly, one thing that has helped me with roommate’s partners is changing the way I categorize them in relation to myself. This might seem weird, but rather than seeing them as a peer, I see them as a family member I only talk to on the holidays. In doing this, I distance myself from them, while maintaining a level of respect for their role in my life. If I see my roommate’s partner as a distant uncle, I shed any expectations for bonding; it is not important that I like them, but rather that my roommate is happy.
Obviously, I write all of this without knowing the nuances of your situation. If your roommate’s girlfriend poses a threat to your roommate’s wellbeing, the situation changes and you have to try to say something with caution and empathy. All of my advice here stems from having to cope with this exact scenario, but it is my experience. Ultimately, take what resonates and leave what doesn’t. Roommates are our families away from home. These relationships last when nurtured with love and care. The girlfriend might not be that for you, but she might be that for your roommate. It helps to remember that.
Send questions to opinions@alligator.org. Please include your name, age — and if you are a student — your major and year, even if you wish to remain anonymous. We can keep identifying information private. Questions may be edited for clarity in publication.
Alejandra Agustin is a 21-year-old English and anthropology senior.
