Being a columnist, I feel it is my duty to provide you - the handful of people other than my parents who actually read this - with the most important news stories of the day. Hold on to your seats because today's topic is: Deadly Air Fresheners.
It's big, fat and slow. It's never there for you when you need it. It shows up at the most awkward of times. It's very gassy. It's not your ex-significant other. "It" is the Regional Transit System.
The Gator Party's domination of Student Senate seats made me wonder about the 2008 election.
There was a great disturbance this weekend. Every Gator felt it, and it showed during the football game on Saturday. The team struggled more than the three previous weeks combined. Urban Meyer will look to the footage, but the real problem is much easier to pinpoint.
The outrage over Monday's incident at the Sen. John Kerry lecture has gone as far as inspiring protests on campus. Students are livid about the actions of the University Police Department.
Today, we mark the one-week anniversary of the Tase heard 'round the world.
Just when you believed civilization to be crumbling down around yo, confirmed by all of the fighting, hatred and Tasering going on all over the world nowadays, a magnificent technological breakthrough comes along to lift everyone's spirits. The beacon of hope I am referring to is the Virtual Hills.
I know everyone just can't stop talking about their new favorite expression, "Don't Tase me, bro." As much fun as it would be to tackle this obviously worthy issue, or not, I'm sick of it.
Andrew Meyer's arrest on Monday has no doubt sparked debate about how much force officers can use. Some believe Tasering him was out of line; others think the punishment fit the crime. But before we pass judgment on anyone, consider this snippet from Florida law:
I hope nobody feels sorry for the young man who got Tased. I expect that on campus this week, angry protestors will blame the University Police Department for being too aggressive, or blame Accent for inviting Sen. John Kerry to speak or blame Tennessee for riling us all up.
As I was recycling my stack of week-old Alligators that I had been using as a biodegradable pillow, I realized the local homeless population has come upon even harder times than usual.
UF students can't escape the pressure of being healthy because there are reminders lurking in the shadows everywhere we turn.
I want everyone to know that Jesus had absolutely nothing to do with my success as a writer.
To all you Florida residents, please take a valuable lesson from your neighbor to the north: Don't let your legislators change anything about Bright Futures.
UF is already more than ,30 million in debt. Gov. Charlie Crist might cut some State University System funding. The Tuition Differential Program might not provide enough funding for both measures.
A CEO announces 10,000 jobs are being cut to make up for a revenue shortfall. He then goes home to his ,2.5 million mansion where his private chef prepares him a meal that would cost hundreds of dollars in a restaurant. Life is rough at the top.
Satchel?s Pizza is too damn far away. It?s so distant I?ve run up a string of excuses why I haven?t been lately: "My car won?t start." "My scooter died last week." "My bike tire?s flat." "My shoes have holes." I shouldn?t have to make such claims, but it?s impossible to drive sixteen miles round-trip as often as I?d like. As sacrilegious as it may be, many people think Satchel?s needs a new location.
It?s a new school year, but last year?s problems haven?t shown any signs of leaving.
Would somebody please tell me why, on Gore's green earth, Sen. John Kerry is coming to UF?
What I am about to say has never been said before. I do not believe that anyone, in the history of UF, has expressed the following words, for fear of being a social outcast forever and possibly banished from The Gator Nation altogether.
Solutions by The State News
