The end of the semester is always the saddest time of year. It's hard to impress a date when your checking account is drier than Barbara Walters' skin. Nowadays, we also have to be multicultural to maintain a relationship.
It may come as a surprise to you, but America doesn't do tiny. Miniature book sales are at all-time lows. I sold all my stock in thimbles years ago. Mini-Me hasn't had a good role since Austin Powers.
I'm disappointed in you, ladies. The rain is beginning to subside, the heat has gone into hiding, and you still won't go camping.
Marijuana will be decriminalized before 2015. When that day arrives, be prepared for exactly nothing horrible to happen. Your children won't be murdered at gunpoint. Your liquor store won't be robbed. There will, however, be some bitchin' parties.
It's already time to register for classes, and we're all too busy with this semester to care about the next.
"Ketchup" season has begun. You've already had your first exam, and it was probably a bad idea to go drinking the night before. Unfortunately, the rest of your fall semester will be spent catching up from the work you skipped.
Charlie Weis, University of Notre Dame head football coach, might punch you in the face if you ask whether he's responsible for the first 0-5 start in school history. You can't say you blame him, either - you'd probably hit back if he asked about your C-plus in calculus.
There was a great disturbance this weekend. Every Gator felt it, and it showed during the football game on Saturday. The team struggled more than the three previous weeks combined. Urban Meyer will look to the footage, but the real problem is much easier to pinpoint.
I hope nobody feels sorry for the young man who got Tased. I expect that on campus this week, angry protestors will blame the University Police Department for being too aggressive, or blame Accent for inviting Sen. John Kerry to speak or blame Tennessee for riling us all up.
Solutions by The State News
